The Village Idiot

Every Village has one.  An idiot.

Our office also has a Village Idiot.  Bless this guy's heart, but seriously.  I've held off on posting about him because of the backlash I might get because he claims to have turrets syndrome as well as ADHD.  I want to be clear that I'm not dogging him for that. 

The thing is, this guys is just a nerve rider.  You know, one of those people who generally means well most of the time, but gets on your last dying nerve the second he comes into view and/or opens his mouth.

For blogging purposes we'll refer to our Village Idiot as "Viper".  Not because that's a name I made up.  It's supposedly a nick name he had in college.  He claims to have attended Texas A&M University, which I'm not sure is true.  I'm not sure how he could have completed 4 or more years of college since he has the attention span of a gnat, but what do I know?  I'm a Community College drop out, sort of like Kanye West.

Anyimmaletyoufinish, Viper was hired back in April.  When he was first hired he walked in with a list of demands a mile long.  Some of which were:  "pay my cell phone bill" and "I want an assistant".  When he brought these things to Boss Man, Boss Man basically told him "show me you can produce and we'll revisit these". 

If I remember correctly, Viper didn't put his first loan into the system until mid-June, while another person who started the day before him was already closing loans.  In other words, he was doing nothing.  He wasn't producing, therefore he wasn't going to get any of his wish list items.  He continued to hound Boss Man until Boss Man finally pulled him into a closed door meeting (with me) and verbally reprimanded him for lack of production.  I had to be in the room during their conversation for witness purposes.  Since he has these disorders, there has to be a third person in the room so that "discrimination" can't be claimed.

During this meeting, Boss Man told Viper that he needed to start working from the office.  Prior to this meeting he had been "working" from home which wasn't working out.  Viper then chimed in and told Boss Man how he just doesn't feel comfortable coming into the office because nobody likes him.  He proceeded to tell Boss Man, in front of me that I was "sort of a bitch".  Boss Man literally laughed in his face and told Viper that I'm generally easy to get along with and I have a sarcastic tone.  He told Viper that if he takes it personally, it's his issue.

After that meeting, Viper started showing up to the office a few days a week.  He would come in around 2:00 and leave around 3:15.  I should also tell you that it takes a good 15 minutes to get our laptops booted up from being powered all the way down.  This means he was "working" for an hour about 2 or 3 days a week.

The next few months, Viper continues to be less than productive.  Boss Man talks to him again and tells him that he wants him in the office Monday through Friday from at least 11:00 to 4:00. 

The following week he comes in all five days.  The weeks that follow he comes in only on the days that Boss Man is actually in the office (1-2 days give or take) and still only makes it in for about 2 hours.  Clearly, this is not what he was instructed to do by his supervisor.

Boss Man has another talk with Viper.  He explains that the only way he {Viper} will be successful is if he's consistent.  Showing up a few hours a week isn't generating any revenue for him {Viper} or the office.  This was the last conversation Boss Man had with him.  Ever since then, Viper has come in nearly everyday, but now when he's here, all he does is talk.  Talk. Talk. Talk.

Now, I know I'm chatty.  I have no problems admitting that, but here at work, I generally only talk if I'm talked to first.  I'm not shy around here, but I know that we all have shit that needs to be done and farbeitfrom me to clog up every one's day with nonsense. 

If Viper was talking about work, I think I would understand, but that's not the case.  When Viper is here, he talks about five things:  Hot tubs, Drinking, His crazy diet that consists of only shakes and smoothies, His workout and his "hot" 19 year old ex-girlfriend.  He was born in 1969.  You do the math.

Day in and day out this is what we have to listen to for at least 2 hours a day.  People in the office mock him to his face and he's absolutely clueless.  Poor Viper just thinks he's fitting in with the young people (the average age in our office for people who are here everyday is 34) because they speak back to him, but he never shuts up.

Ever.

When he's not speaking, he's doing push-ups in his cubicle or playing games on his phone with his feet propped up.  It's sickening, really.

It's gotten to the point that people in the office are shoving those purple, foamy ear plugs into their ears when he's here.  Those don't work either because Viper will just walk over to them and start talking, forcing them to take the ear plugs out.

We've tried using the "tag-team" method which is if Viper is talking to one of us for more than just a minute, another one of us will walk up to the victim and asks a work related question that involves a lot of research and attention, forcing Viper back to his hole to do push-ups for another 5 minutes or so.

Another thing I have an issue with is his hygiene.  Now, we all know that Austin is chalk full of hippies that don't bathe, but generally, those hippies don't work in this line of business.  Viper strolls in wearing the same clothes everyday he works.  In the last four weeks I've seen him in 3 different shirts (one a week, on rotation).  I'm all about double wearing jeans, but that's only if they're still relatively clean.  Viper's shirts have pit-stains the size of the Potomac.  They never look clean and always look like he's just picked it up off of his closet floor.  His hair hasn't been cut in months so the over-growth on the back of his neck is gnarly and he sweats like a...I don't know...He sweats a lot.  He's constantly got sweat dripping from his brow. 

Our dress code here is "business casual" and some days we take it more to the "casual" level than the "business", but he wears jeans everyday and his shirts all look like a polo shirt except they have all sorts of writing and whatnot on them - sort of like something you would see a high school teenager wearing.

It's just out of control.  When customer's come into our office, it's embarrassing to have him walk into the conference room when there are other people in the office wearing slacks and nicely pressed shirts.

Now, take all of this and add the cherry on top:  the sound of a cross between a duck quacking and a woman moaning as she reaches the big O.  That's the noise he makes about every 5th word.  I know it's his turrets, but it just makes things more awkward.

Overall, he's not a good fit for our office at all.  Boss Man knows this and has acknowledged it on numerous occasions, but there is nothing that can be done.  As long as Viper is meeting minimum expectations for the company, he will work here.

Boss Man is afraid he'll claim discrimination.