Jenn B Says...

To-Do: Find Something Creative

2011-12-05T00:00:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm still jobless.

Everyday I search for new jobs, but where I live, it's just slim pickins. Instead of getting further down in the dumps, I decide I'm going to be creative in the kitchen.

If I'm not working, the least I can do is have an awesome meal waiting for My Husband and McKenna when they get home from a long day at work and preschool.

I try new things. Some work (crock pot lasagna!) and somethings will never work for me (baked chicken in any flavor). I make dinner every weeknight except Fridays. The household is mostly happy and laundry is usually done. My day looks like this:

Wake up
Get McKenna ready for school
Take her to school
Come home and search for jobs
Play with Max because he's begging for attention
Fix lunch
Clean up lunch
Search for jobs
Start laundry
Fold laundry
Watch Ellen
Play with Max
Start dinner
Get McKenna from School
Eat dinner
Clean kitchen
Bath time
Husband time
Sleep

It's okay, but My Husband notices I'm not the same. I'm not necessarily sad all the time, but I'm sort of shut off. Like, I'm just going through the motions. One task to the next like a machine. I'm quit in the evenings after being alone all day long. He talks to me about maybe going to the Wellness Center (county gym), just to get out of the house. The Good Lord knows I can use any type of exercise, so it wouldn't hurt, but I had to remind him I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

The Wellness Center costs $45 a month and I'm bringing in about zero income.

Of course, he's the smart, logical one and I'm the cute one. He tells me that if I go to the gym at least 3 days a week, it would be about $4 each time I go.

Well! When you break it down like that...

October 31st I went to the Wellness Center to pay for my first month and initiation fee. I was given the tour and I scheduled an hour with a personal trainer for my "fitness prescription". While I was being given the tour, I noticed something strange...unlike a place like Gold's Gym where it's meathead after meathead at the gym, pumping iron and scoping out the ladies, this place...The Wellness Center was totally opposite. Aside from the trainers, I was the youngest person in the gym by at least 15-20 years. If I had to guess, the average age of a gym goer would be 53.

I'm going to love this place! It's not a meat market and these older folks don't care what I look like, what I'm wearing or even that my socks don't match each other! Also, it was spotless and smells like bleach every time you walk in. The machines aren't run into the ground and everything in the place is generally really nice!

Also. ALSO! They offer classes! I'm going to really like this whole "exercising" thing!

So far, I've gone no less than 4 days a week for no less than an hour each time! I lost 4 pounds in the first two weeks and I can really feel a difference. I just want to get a few months of this under my belt (or out of my belt) so that it's more like a "lifestyle". That's what all the really fit people tell me. "Once you do it for a while, it's a lifestyle change and not a chore"...

Overall, I love going, but don't you think for one second that all those older people are always super nice...

To-Do: Find A Job (Part II)

2011-12-02T00:00:00.000-06:00

After the whole scam on craigslist, I was really hesitant of applying for jobs that way. I had to do something more old fashioned. Get back to the basics of job hunting.

Search online for county and city positions. Wait! Did you think I was going to go door to door? I said back to the basics, I probably should have specified "in this decade".

That's the problem though. Everything is so tech savvy. Nothing is "old fashioned". Dropping resumes and speaking with a live person, face-to-face is a thing of the past. Nearly everywhere you look there's a website where you can apply. It all happens with the click of a button and the uploading of your paperwork (resume, cover letter, etc.).

This method works out great for people who might be agoraphobic, or maybe the mother who lived in a shoe with so many children she couldn't ever leave the shoe to find a job.

I on the other hand, am neither of those things, so I'm just starting to get irritated. And deflated. And bummed out.

At this point, I've now applied for a total of three county jobs and two city jobs, none of which I snag up. To give myself some credit, I had not one, but TWO stellar interviews with the County Tax office. I thought I had that job in the bag, but they found someone with tax experience. The ONE part of that job I didn't know, like I know Twas The Night Before Christmas.

*POP* <---that was my bubble...

I've GOT to think of something. The end of October is sneaking up on us and My Husband and I talked about pulling McKenna out of preschool if I didn't have a job by November. It makes no sense to keep paying over $400 a month to keep her there if I'm not working and I can teach her beyond what she's learning there. - Aside: I'm not a teacher, but this is her second year in Pre-K since she won't be 5 until December. She's bored to tears learning her ABC's again.

The next few weeks is basically a wash-rinse-repeat of everything I've already talked about. I've had a handful of interviews at a few different places, but nothing seems to pan out. I've gone to Temp to Hire Agencies and just about anything in between that would fit with my specific criteria.

I know I'll find something, but in the mean time, what am I going to do with myself?

To-Do: Find a Job (Part II)

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

Alternate Title: Why Craigslist is a Complete and Utter Asshole

HOOO LEEEE CHIT!

I got an email. From someone I sent my information to from craigslist.

In a nutshell, the email said:

Hi, girfriend!

I checked out your stuff and OMG, you like, totally blew me away with all of your awesomeness! I can't wait to meet with you in person, but before that, I want you to click on this link and take a minute to fill out our online questionnaire (which I know you will totally ACE).

Talk to you soon!

Kisses,
Wewanna Giveyouajob

Naturally, after doing the happy dance in my NotYetUsedForYoga pants, I hopped online and showed that questionnaire who's boss.

The questions were all pretty standard of those you would answer in person at an interview. One of them, specifically was "Do you agree to have your credit checked and/or a background check in order to be hired on with our company", to which I obviously answered HELLL YESSSSS!

SUBMIT

I wait for my confirmation screen to tell me that I've got the job (or won Publisher's Clearing House). Nothing.

Suddenly, a screen opens up and says "You agreed to have your credit checked and/or background checked to be hired. Please click the link below. Be sure to fill in each screen completely and click next. By skipping or omitting any information, your candidacy will be withdrawn".

Fine.

The link takes me to a credit website. I'm asked to put in all of my pertinent information. Name, address, phone, social secwait. What?

backspacebackspacebackspace...

I went to the email, the one with all the information and went to the call the guy who sent it to me to find out if there was any way I could have this procedure done...ummm...more securely.

I find his name at the bottom and wouldn't you know it? No phone number, but there's a LINK!

I click the link and immediately go to the "Contact Us" page to get a phone number.

Wouldn't you know? Under Construction!

You sorryasssonsofbitches.

I was thisclose to be scammed.

Time to get back up on that horse...Also, can someone find me a clean glass for my vodka?

To-Do: Find A Job (Part I)

2011-11-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

I wake up Monday morning and get McKenna ready for pre-school. When I got back from taking her, I parked myself in front of my computer.

This would be easy, right? Send out a few resumes, wow people with my bubbly personality and go-get-'em attitude.

Piece of Cake.

I can honestly say that I easily sent out 75 resumes and cover letters out in the first week. I ransacked craigslist for jobs like I was a starving tiger on the hunt for my prey.

I applied for every job you could possibly think of. Except the ones I didn't want. Can you blame me? I'm not trying to sound like a spoiled brat, but I'm just not cut out (or trained) for a Lead Welder position. I'm also pretty sure that I would get denied of the plumbing job, the city maintenance job, and probably even the Deputy Sheriff job.

I also failed to apply for the cashier job at the local Chevron and I knew I didn't want the Auto Detailer position at the local car wash (what? Have you been to Texas in MayJuneJulyAugustSeptemberOctober?).

Yes, I was being a little picky. I'm aware.

The thing is, my next job has to meet very specific criteria:

No more than 60 miles round trip (I know I'll be making less money than I did in Austin, so I have to justify fuel)
Monday - Friday, 8-5 preferred (I have to be able to leave to drop off and pick up McKenna without her being the first AND last kid there)
Absolutely NO WEEKENDS (My Husband works constantly. I have to make sure McKenna has supervision)
Evenings are OUT OF THE QUESTION (See above).

My Qualifications and Experience:

Office Maven
Office Grunt
Proficient at MS Office
WPM: Can you smell that? That's my keyboard...ON FIAHHHH
Phones: I love talking to people
Accounts Payable: A little
Accounts Receivable: A little
Purchasing: Yes (well rounded on-the-job and personal experience - BONUS!)

The problem? Everyone under the sun is looking for my job. There are more people looking for something than there are positions open.

This is going to take a lot of patience, some umph and a farking miracle.

To-Do: Find Happy At Work (Part II)

2011-11-29T00:00:00.000-06:00

After coming home from New Mexico, I knew that I needed to buckle down and get some serious work done. The only problem is that I still didn't fully understand my job to the extent that I needed to, and my support system was virtually gone.

My co-workers that were there to pump me up had all left the company, so I was left to fend for myself, like the proverbial fish out of water.

I tried to lean on Boss Man for as much help as I could, but really, nobody can teach you to be a great Loan Officer. It comes with experience and I didn't have time to get the experience I needed. The mortgage market was saturated with refinances, but purchases is where the money was. I had utilized my resources here in town, but nobody was buyin' what I was sellin'.

I worked as many leads as possible until I finally just gave up. I quit. I couldn't be put under that stress for any longer. I tried to stay afloat as long as possible, but nothing was working out for me. I locked as many loans as I could, and inevitably they would fall through.

The beginning of September rolled around and Boss Man sat me down. It's either resign, get fired or shit out a miracle. I pushed again, trying to get that "second wind" avid runners talk about. I was doing everything I was supposed to, but becoming more and more frustrated at every turn.

I finally went to Boss Man and told him that my last day would be September 30th. After that, I would look for a job. Something closer to home, without a 130 mile round trip commute.

On Friday, September 30th, I drove to Austin and dropped my computer off at the office and said goodbye to the people that were there. I was sad to leave the company because it really was a great place to work, but at the same time, I felt such a sense of relief. No more waking up in a bad mood only to sit in front of a computer and stare blankly at the screen, waiting for a miracle to fall from the sky.

But wait. Now I'm jobless. FUNemployed. No gotty no yob. Shit. SHit. SHIT!

What the hell was I thinking?

...to be continued...

To-Do: Visit Home (Part III)

2011-11-28T00:00:00.000-06:00

After the hospice nurse left and we cleared out the room as much as we could, we sat there. Quietly. We waited. We watched. If watching someone breathe was an Olympic sport, I have no doubt that Dad and I would be the gold medal team.

Grandpa continued to be peaceful. He was comfortable and we did everything we could to keep him pain free. I think if he could tell us now, he would let us know that we did a badass job.

Sometime in the four o'clock hour, we allowed his sisters and brother-in-law back into the apartment. It was time for us to pray the rosary.

We prayed the rosary. All of us.

I sat at the right side of his bed, closest to his head. My great aunt behind me and everyone else seemed to be a blur behind, in front of and around me.

The rosary ended and we sat in complete silence. The only noise in the room was the sound of grandpa breathing. His respirations were becoming fewer and father between.

I held his arm and watched his choroid artery pump with everything it had. Eventually he took only one breath a minute.

It was getting closer.

The room was full. There must have been thirty of us packed in there.

Silent.

Grandpa took one deep breath.

My great aunt whispered "I think he's gone".

I turned over my left shoulder and said "no. not yet. He still has a pulse".

At this point, everyone in the room, all thirtysomething of us were standing on our feet. Breathing in unison.

He took his last breath at 5:05PM on July 16th 2011.

For a minute, it was like we were all mice in this room and suddenly someone turned on the lights and we scattered. I went to the master bedroom and fell to my knees. I was sad that I had lost my first grandparent, but I was so relieved that he wasn't suffering anymore.

Since we knew it was coming, the weeping and hysterics was kept to a minimum. I think it was mostly because we knew he was okay. He wasn't laying there being eaten alive by fucking cancer.

Everyone reconvenes at his bedside. I plop myself on the bed, by his feet. We all talk and laugh. It sounds strange, but everything that happened was so normal and I can't explain it.

My grandma, who had not left his bedside all day long, finally got up to use the bathroom. When she came back into the room, she said "I was looking at my Catholic calendar in the bathroom and today is The Day of The Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel". This might mean nothing to you, but what I hadn't told you is that my grandpa was wearing a scapular that was given to him by a family friend when he first went into the hospital. The scapular had Our Lady of Mount Carmel on it.

A few seconds later, my baby cousin said "wait. He said he was going to die at the table. Today is the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel".

He knew all along when he would leave us. He tried to tell us, but we all thought it was just incoherent babble.

Well played, Grandpa. Well played indeed!

My mom, sister and McKenna flew out to meet up with us for the funeral.

I didn't get home until the 27th of July.

I was gone for nearly an entire month.

To-Do: Visit Home (Part II)

2011-11-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

When dad and I made the decision to drive to Albuquerque, they had just put my grandpa on hospice. He lasted about 15 minutes in the hospice unit at the hospital before he cracked and told everyone that if he was going to die, he was going to do it where he was happiest and that wasn't a hospital. My family took him home, as he requested.

We left Texas on the 7th of July, not knowing when we would return. Everything was dependent upon the state of my grandpa and the rest of the family upon our arrival.

The drive there was great. We made good time, listened to good music (Adele happened to be performing at the iTunes Music Festival in London and we listened LIVE) and had great conversation. These things are nothing out of the ordinary when my dad and I get together. I've always been a daddy's girl.

About 11½ hours into our trip, my dad talks to me about what to expect. You see, dad had been driving back and fourth every week for the past three. He knew what to expect.

We arrived and I finally got to see my family. I had been dreading it, on the one hand, because I knew I didn't want to remember my grandpa looking so sick, but I was thrilled on the other. It had been almost exactly one year (I was home July 11, 2010) since I had seen them.

We walked into my grandparents two bedroom apartment and it was completely transformed. There was no longer any furniture in the living room. The entire room was transformed into his very own hospice unit.

I all but ran to the side of his bed. My grandpa was lying there. Practically skin and bones, but he was there! I hugged him as hard as I could and told him I loved him. His eyes swelled up when he saw me. I'm not sure if he really knew I would be there. He held my hand in one of his and my face in his other. He told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. It took every fiber of my being to not have a loud crying outburst, but I knew I needed to hold it back. I sat with him and talked for a while. He asked about My Husband and McKenna. He wanted to know if they were coming too. He asked about my mom and sister. Then he fell asleep so I went and visited with everyone else.

Since it was late, dad and I left there and went to my uncle's house in the mountains. We stayed up until after 1:00 in the morning talking about everything. We drank whiskey and just talked. Things that mattered and things that didn't.

For the next six days, dad and I would show up at my grandparent's apartment in the morning and stay until dark. My aunt and her husband took care of my grandpa in the evenings and dad and I were on duty during the day. Grandpa was never, EVER alone. There was someone sitting in a chair at his feet 24 hours a day. When I wasn't sitting in the chair with him while he slept, I was on what I like to call Grandma Duty. Someone was with her 24 hours a day also. I can think of one time she left by herself and it was to get her hair done. She refused my company.

I would clean up after people ate, I would make sandwiches for lunch, warm up leftovers for dinner, wash, rinse, repeat.

On the seventh day, Thursday, July 14th, I noticed things had taken a sharp turn. Grandpa was sleeping more and more. I would say he was eating less too, but he quit eating long before we got there on the 7th. His intake was practically nothing.

When I first got there, he was sleeping and when he woke up and started to stir, I got up from the chair and walked to his bedside. I grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes to tell him good morning. It was what happened next that crushed me forever. If I didn't believe anything that was happening was real, his reaction to seeing me made it all real.

He ripped his hand from mine and looked at me as if he was terrified of me. It was almost as if he thought I was trying to rob him. In seven days my grandpa went from telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me to not being able to recognize his very first grandchild.

As soon as I could, I broke away and started to cry. It was real. I mean, I knew it was real, but it was really real.

Later that afternoon, the family gathered to pray the rosary. When we finished, we stood around the bed and told him it was okay. "It's okay for you to go, grandpa. We are all here and we're all okay. We'll make it because you've carved out the path."

Tears were shed, but we needed him to know that it was okay for him to pass on. A few minutes later he spoke. He hadn't really said anything in a few days. He looked at my uncle and said "muerte la mesa". We couldn't figure out why he was telling us he was going to die at the table. We chalked it up to something we read in the book that the hospice folks left for us. It was like he was in two different worlds. When he spoke, he didn't know if he was here or there.

Friday, July 15th rolled around. It was the same song and dance. By this time he was sleeping 23 hours a day and awake for maybe a total of an hour in spurts of 3-4 minutes at a time. That afternoon, we gathered again. We prayed the rosary. He was sleeping but my grandma was sure he held his rosary as we prayed. Again, we stood at his bedside and told him it was okay. It was just as emotional this time as it was the previous day.

He woke up after we finished again. This time, he was trying to get himself out of his bed. Something he hadn't done in what seemed like a lifetime. My dad and his brother rushed to him to help him. Grandpa was on the move and nothing was going to stop him. Not pain, not starvation, not fucking cancer.

My dad and his brother held him up at the side of his bed. He said nothing, but he smiled. Someone in the room (it was constantly filled at this point) told him to look around. "Look, Tom! We're all here! Look what you've created! You are so loved!". Grandpa was holding on to my uncle with the biggest smile I've ever seen in my life and managed to give us all a thumbs up! He was happy.

As my dad and uncle settled him back down in his bed, he muttered again "muerte la mesa". Still confused, we thought again, he was just in a state of delusion. That afternoon turned into dusk and then a full moon night. Dad and I stayed until around 10 that night before we headed out to get some sleep. We were both staying at my maternal grandparent's house to sleep.

We had planned on arriving on Saturday morning around our normal time "we'll wake up, grab some breakfast and be here by 10", I remember telling my aunt as we left on Friday night.

At 5:45 on Saturday morning, my dad threw the door open to my room at my grandparent's house. "We have to go", he told me. I changed clothes and took my toothbrush with me. The 10 minute drive from one house to the apartment felt like it was an hour long. We were mostly silent. For starters, it was early and next, we didn't want to talk about it. We knew the time was getting closer, but again, you never want to talk about it.

We arrive and it's dark and silent in the apartment. Everyone (grandma, my aunt and uncle and another aunt and uncle) is awake, but silent. Things were not looking good. Obviously. We did everything we could to keep grandpa comfortable. Around one in the afternoon, the hospice nurse showed up (she wasn't our regular nurse since it was a Saturday). We pulled her into the master bedroom and asked her to be real. In a nutshell, she said that everyone that wasn't a blood relative needed to get the hell out and give the rest of us, his legacy, time with him because the end was near.

We knew it.

...to be continued...

Happy Birthday, Fajah!

2011-11-24T00:00:00.000-06:00

Happy, HAPPY birthday to the best father-in-law a girl could ever ask for! I hope your day is filled with tons of happiness. We love you very much, Fajah!

McKenna and Fajah after McKenna's baptism - September 2011

For those of you not celebrating a birthday, Happy Thanksgiving! May your homes be filled with family, joy and laughter and your table full!

Things Jenn B Is Thankful For Today:

My Husband. For reason's I haven't yet told you and a bunch more. He's amazing. He loves me unconditionally and I can't Thank him or God enough for everything he's done for me and us!
Family. I'm so thankful to be living so close to family. While I miss living so close to my parents and my sister (and best friend), it's nice living close to My Husband's side.
Friends. I can't name you all, but Jess, Loni, Chief and my Golden Girls know what they mean to me.
God. Without Him I would not be who I am today. After a few years of feeling like there wasn't a God, I'm glad you're back. Or I'm glad I'm back. I will never fully understand why you do the things you do, but I guess that's just part of the mystery.
Mom and Dad. This really needs to explanation. Just, Thank you!

Please come back tomorrow for another installment of my To-Do List Series!

To-Do: Visit Home (Part I)

2011-11-23T00:00:00.000-06:00

Something that perpetually stays on my To-Do List is finding time to make it out to New Mexico, where I grew up to visit family. My Dad is one of seven and My Mom is one of four, so I have tons of family and almost every single one of them lives in Albuquerque.

I tell myself every year that I'm going to make it over at some point that year, but sadly, I don't get to go near as often as I would like.

Back in May, my paternal grandpa was diagnosed with Stage IV Liver Cancer. Knowing that nobody in my family has ever taken shit from anyone or anything, I stayed hopeful that the chemo would work or that this was nothing that a few snips couldn't take care of.

I know what you're thinking...STAGE IV...there isn't much that's hopeful about any kind of cancer at Stage IV, but when you're actually living it, the last thing you want to think about is someone you love dying. It doesn't matter that he is in his 70's and "lived a good life". It didn't matter that he is one of the Godliest men I'll ever know in my life. Nothing wants to take you to a place where you're thinking about the worst. You always know what the worst is, but you don't dare talk about it out loud because then it would make it real. Denial.

While I was in Vegas with some of my closest friends, I got a call from my sister telling me that Grandpa was given two weeks to two months to live. The chemo wasn't working and his cancer was inoperable. When I got the call, I happened to pop into our hotel room to get some more booze and I checked my phone and called my sister back.

I got off the phone with her and texted Brandi - she came from the pool with several of the other girls and I lost my shit. I cried for what seemed like an eternity. They hugged me and told me that they would get me on the next plane to Albuquerque if that's what I wanted. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go to Albuquerque and face that fact that my grandpa was so, so sick. Again. Denial.

I got home from Vegas on June 27th. On July 5th I decided to take a road trip with my dad to Albuquerque to see my grandpa, for what we thought would be the last time. Not only did I decide on the 5th that I was leaving, I was leaving on the 7th and I had no idea when we would be back. This meant huge things for My Husband and McKenna. Mommy is leaving and she doesn't know when she'll be back... Lucky for me, I was able to work from anywhere.

On the 6th of July I left home and headed to Austin because dad and I planned on leaving the following morning bright and early.

What happened over the next whatseemedlikealifetime is something I could have never imagined.

...to be continued...

To-Do: Find Happy at Work (Part I)

2011-11-22T00:00:00.000-06:00

In February, I wrote about migrating positions at my job. After a lot of thinking, I decided to take the plunge. I told Boss Man that I wanted to become a Loan Officer. He was supportive and thought it would be a great change for me. It would be the challenge I needed and the money wouldn't be bad either. Plus, I could work from home which means more time with the family and less time on the road commuting from Austin to where we live.

My first official day as a Loan Officer was April 4th. What I thought would be a golden path to my future turned out to be a dead end on a dirt road in the ghetto. Okay. Maybe it wasn't that bad, but it was bad, y'all. First of all, it wasn't easy (which I knew it wouldn't be), but I didn't have near the support I was promised. It wasn't all Boss Man's fault, but nonetheless, it was awful.

I did everything I was supposed to do. I worked leads, I visited real estate offices here in town (not near enough) and sat in front of my computer for most of the days. Every loan I put into the system would flop for one reason or another, but it wasn't ever anything I did or didn't do.

I began to get frustrated because I was putting work in for customers who would eventually back out because they didn't really love the house they were getting the loan for, or they wanted to be a jackass about something my underwriter would tell them.

I was not meeting minimum production standards and it was starting to get real scary.

Needless to say, this wasn't the "happy" I wanted to find at work.

I needed to figure something out, and quick.

...to be continued...

On Starting Over

2011-11-21T00:00:00.001-06:00

The more I think about *why* I quit blogging, the more I realize it's because this place used to be somewhere I could come to bitch about the mundane things going on in my life. My job, my co-workers, Austin traffic, you know, annoying shit that maybe one person can relate to, but really nobody but me cares about.

Well, I realized that so much in my life has changed in the last year. Mostly in the last seven months.

A year ago we packed up and headed south to live in a small town where My Husband grew up. I thought it would be traumatic and I thought I would only like it and not love it. I was wrong.

While I admit it's hard to live in a place where everyone knows your (last) name, but nothing about you personally or live in a place where you only have friends you can count on with one hand and the majority of those are actual relatives - I wouldn't change living in this small town for anything in the world.

Since the move, I started mentally making a To-Do list for my life. From here on out, I'll be sharing my list with you and updating it as I go. My intention is to show you (who are still around reading me) a little bit more about me. I know I can be a SuperBitch and that will never change, but I'm also a human being who has really good days! Most of my previous posts were about people and things that annoy me. I'm happy to report that now, there's not much that annoys me to the point where I need to rant about it here.

You might call it boring, but I call it growth!

I Want A Fresh Start

2011-10-27T14:41:00.001-05:00

I keep telling myself I'm going to knock the dust off of this keyboard and get to writing, but I never do. I write something, post it and come back three months later to revisit this place.

I'm not sure why I avoid it around here because this is a pretty big part of my life. I mean, I've shared so much with you, internets and suddenly, I just stopped. I could make up excuses that I was too busy or life got in the way, and while some of those things might be true, really, they're just excuses.

It seems like a ton of things have happened since I blogged last and it's only been a few months. I guess I can jump right in and fill you in on all the goings on in my world lately.

The last time I talked to you (and you and you and YOU) I was so bummed about my friend's cancer, but so pumped because I was just a few weeks away from being in Vegas with some of my favorite girls. Well, I've got good news on both fronts! Kris is now CANCER FREE, y'all! Yep, he kicked that cancer's ass and showed it who's boss! He was able to have his tumor removed, undergo radiation and knock it all out! Vegas was an absolute blast! It was the drunkest 4.5 days of my entire life, and I wouldn't have had it any other way! I have the best girlfriends in the universe, it's just too bad they all live miles away.

Nine days after coming back from Vegas, I left with my dad to go to New Mexico. My grandpa was very ill, so we spent his last days with him, helped the family with the funeral and such and came home after being gone 3 entire weeks. It was a rough month for all of us, including My Husband who held down the fort and took care of McKenna while I was gone. It's tough to be mommy and daddy all at the same time.

At some point I want to write about my experience while I was in New Mexico, but it's still a big jumbled up mess in my head. I can tell you though, I've dealt with a lot of death in the past few years and I've watched loved ones bury family members that were way too young to be buried - all of those past experiences left me with little faith, but literally seeing what I saw was a miracle. I won't preach to you or try to make you believe something you might not, but just know that coming home after that entire three week experience, I was a changed woman. Maybe not to the visible eye, but on the inside, I had an entire new perspective on things.

In not so death-y news, I'm proud to report that we've lived in Small Town for just over a year now! We've all survived (I knew we would) and we're loving every second of being here! I have to say though, I owe a lot to Jessica & Dearest! I would be a very lonely girl without them. I'm even more excited that they are going to be renting a place that is literally no more than 2.5 miles from my driveway! Now my super-secret hiding place won't be in the middleofnowhere with no cell service!!!

Oh, one last thing...I'm jobless, y'all. I'm currently looking, but yeah, I gots no j.o.b. It sort of feels good, but really awful at the same time. I left my job to find something closer to home, so hopefully something comes up!

Maybe my next post won't be 5 months from meow!

This Blog Mentions Kris and Vegas

2011-05-19T14:13:00.000-05:00

...But who's keeping track, right?

I know, you're thinking "nice of you to join us and come back to the ~~real~~ blogging world, Jenn B". For that, you.are.welcome!

See, I've been missing in action for a while, but I've been really busy. I've been changing things up at work, living the high life in the little city and just, you know...living my life.

Also, people kind of stopped pissing me off so I didn't have much to write about.

Where to start...AH! 35 days!

In 35 days I'll be headed to The Fabulous Las Vegas with a group of my favorite whores. No, not the "I take money for sex" kind of whores. The "I say shit that will blow your mind and have you laughing for days" kind of whores. These girls, they're some of my best friends ever!

We'll be crashing Vegas for an extended weekend that just so happens to fall on the birthday of two very amazing people. Myself and The Filipina Bitch herself, Dahlia! We share a birthday, therefore are sharing a birthday celebration, Vegas style!

Also, I can't omit the fact that Brandi will be there and if you guys don't follow her blog or our group blog, I'm really, really sorry. She's probably more funny than I am (that last statement was a lie. I'm way more funny).

Basically, what I'm saying is that the next 34 sleeps can't come fast enough. I can't wait to be in Vegas with a group of the most beautiful, crazy, loving group of bitches I know. Roughly 12 girls packed into 3 rooms at a hotel I won't disclose (we don't want to get kicked out before we even get there). There will be drinking, eating, laughing, jumping, eating, bacon, buffets, bacon, eating and drinking. What more can a group of hot ass moms ask for? Oh, there's a good chance we'll have a pool cabana boy too.

So, in closing (for this topic), help me speed up the next 34 sleeps and get me the hell to Vegas!

Next topic:

So there's this guy. No, not like that, y'all. I'm married. Give me a lot of credit here, okay?

So the guy. We've been friends for a few years. We used to work together when I worked at The Worst Electrical Contracting Company Ever. Well, we're still friends, but we don't talk that much anymore. It's sad, really.

Anyhow, the last time I talked to Kris was a year ago when my BIL got married on a boat. Well, Kris was trying to stalk me and My Husband by googling some really private information and he stumbled upon this here little blog and emailed me. He mentioned two things:

1) Why is there no mention of Kris in this blog? He's vain and wants to be talked about.

2) He started a blog a month ago. He told me to read it and then "call me if you have any questions"...

So yeah, I go to the blog and start reading just the titles. As I'm scrolling down to the bottom to get to the oldest post, I'm realizing that the titles all mean bad shit, y'all.

My friend. My buddy. My homie. He has fucking cancer, y'all. I would be lying if I tried to tell you what the specific name is, but it's in his soft tissue (muscles, tendons, ligaments). He caught it, from what it sounds like, right away. He started radiation yesterday and will do that for 5 weeks. He'll have a 4 week "cooling off" period and then he'll head to MD Anderson in Houston for surgery.

I'm telling you this for three reasons. 1) This is me, mentioning Kris on my blog. He's never pissed me off so he doesn't get a shitty nickname, 2) Of all of my twohundredandsomething followers, one of you has got to believe in prayer, so get out there and get your pray on for him, his wife and three teenaged kids, mmmkay (also, leave nice comments for him, you know he'll be lurking to find his name here)? These are good people, y'all. Kris is actually the first person ever to fly a kite with McKenna and 3) FUCK CANCER, y'all! Fuck it in it's dirty little ear, you sorry sonovabitch.

I have to say though, Kris and his family can beat this like Chris Brown beat Rhianna. Mostly because I know his wife and she will kick his ever loving ass if it's any other way.

I have a lot more to say, but I just don't have the time this second. I promise to be back within the next few months!

July 2005 - March 2011

2011-03-25T21:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Rusty,

You've been gone for 28 hours.

We miss you, buddy.

We may get another dog, but please know that it will never compare to you.

Thank you for being the most loyal, amazing four-legged companion ever.

Please don't hump anyone up there and PLEASE stay away from the skunks (unless they smell like fresh baked cinnamon rolls up there).

I'll love you forever plus a lifetime, buddy.

Love,
Momma

On Self Transformation: Part II

2011-02-28T14:58:00.000-06:00

You know how everyone makes a new years resolution like "I'm going to diet and exercise", but then by February the Bandwagon has hit a pothole, sending the bandwagon sliding all over a rocky road, knocking that person off the Bandwagon?

Yeah, so I never make resolutions. Mostly because I don't really stick to anything, so what's the point in saying I'll do something only to not actually do it, right?

I knew I had put on some pounds after the holidays. I mean, that's just a given when we're going from one place to another to eat and not move afterwards.

I noticed my clothes were fitting more snug than before and I noticed that I avoided mirrors like Cate Blanchett obviously did prior to the Oscars on Sunday.

I also avoided scales, but that's nothing new. I've always hated them.

Well, on the last Saturday in January I decided to step on the scale at my best friend's house. It wasn't a digital, so I knew it was not accurate. Later that same day we went to Bed, Bath & Beyond so I stepped on one of their fancy digital scales and...My best friend's scale wasn't wrong.

I was the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life, with the exception of when I was pregnant and since I want to put all of this out there, I was only 5 pounds away from what I weighed the day I actually gave birth.

168.2

The rest of that day and half of the next I kept having the "seriously? no way. how is this even possible" conversation in my head. Over and over and over.

The truth and reality of the matter is that I knew exactly what happened, how I got there and the only thing that would make it all go away.

I've never really dieted ever in my life. In high school, I was itty bitty. Like, the day I graduated, I wore a size 12 little girl's dress under my gown with my cap. TINY. I also danced more than 5 hours every day, so being tiny wasn't so strange.

I remember gaining weight after I graduated. Gradually, my waist expanded. I would give up sodas for a week and go back down. I always fluctuated around 140ish and I was okay with that. I had meat on my bones and nice curves. When I was 25 I was pretty healthy. I went to the gym regularly, but still ate what I wanted. I also consider my 25th year my most drunk year and we all know that beer will help you pack on the pounds. Still, with the eating and drinking mixed with exercise I was still feeling and looking my best (as far as I was concerned).

At 26 I was married and pregnant. In that order. Intentionally. Not that I need to explain any of that to you, but yeah.

As you can imagine, this is where everything changes. I put on 33 pounds, which in the grand scheme of things is a pretty "good" amount to gain, meaning after 40 pounds (or a pound a week) it's harder to lose.

2 weeks postpartum I was back down to 143. I managed to keep that off for the first few years, but then gradually started to gain. I was never upset with my weight. The only thing I absolutely hated was what happened to me after incubating a child for 39 weeks. I went from having curves to "shapes". Shapes and a lot of stretch marks (or scars from being attacked by a tiger). In the last 4 years I've learned how to "mask" the shapes under my clothes. I can be unhappy about that stuff on the inside, but on the outside, nobody who saw me would know the difference.

Return back to the end of January.

168.2

I was disgusted.

I cried.

I hated myself.

I cried some more.

How, how how.

Why, why, how.

There was only one thing I could do. At this point, in my own mind, I had hit the proverbial rock bottom that so many people talk about.

February first I started my diet and exercise plan.

No more than 1200 calories per day and 30 minutes of exercise at least 3 times a week. I could have said 10 hours a week, but I knew better. I knew that I couldn't go from being totally inactive and sedentary to Jillian Michaels over night.

I bought a wii/fit and counted the calories on every.single.thing I put into my mouth. I was actually averaging about 975 calories a day. I wasn't starving myself, I was just eating things that were better for me. I was also watching how much I was eating. Before, I would clean my plate without a second thought. Now, I eat about a quarter of what I used to. Sometimes less.

I average about 5 hours a week of cardio (Just Dance 2 in Just Sweat mode) and other wii fit exercises (Rhythm Boxing is one of my favorites). I've started to get a little lazy about calorie counting, but mostly because I eat the same thing for breakfast and snacks everyday, so I know what I have left and estimate the last meal of the day.

I'm excited to say that I'm down to 153.2, which is exactly 15 pounds. I'm one pound shy of losing 10% of my body weight. I've been holding at 153.2 for around a week, but its better than putting on what I've worked hard to lose. My small goal is to lose another 13.2 pounds. When I get to 140 I'll assess how I feel and decide how much more I want to lose.

It's easier for me to give myself small goals instead of saying I want to weigh 120 pounds. Just the thought of "having" to lose 30+ pounds in one go seems stressful to me.

I started at 168.2. My first goal is to lose 10%, after that it's to weigh in at 140 and so on.

Baby steps.

I never thought I could do it. I never thought I would have to do it.

I'm doing it! I don't like it some of the times because I love food, but I know that it's better for me in the long run.

I hope to keep doing this well and no matter what, I plan on keeping everyone updated. I think it's a pretty good way to keep me accountable.

On Self Transformation: Part I

2011-02-25T15:31:00.000-06:00

I know, you're probably rubbing your eyes thinking that you're imagining that Jenn B wrote something...but you're right. I did.

I've been MIA for a few months. I've had a lot of things happen, but somewhere in between the big stuff, I did a little soul searching. I've missed writing and I'm glad to be back!

********************************************

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard, read or talked to a mom that said "I've just lost who I am", I think I would be a rich girl.

I never really felt one way or another about that statement. I did the SAHM gig for a while and was really able to relate to the statement, but then I decided to rejoin the working world. It's been nearly three years since I've been back and I don't have much to complain about.

But. Oh, you knew there was going to be a but..., right?

But, the thing is, I think that in the last few years, I've seemed to have lost myself. This time, more than before when I stayed at home.

It recently occurred to me that I literally wake up at 4:30 every morning, do the same thing, in the same order every single day, come home, do the same things with very little variation, go to sleep and before I know it, that alarm is buzzing at 4:30 again.

I remember a time, before I was married with a child when I lived for the weekends. I counted down the seconds until I was off work. I always had plans with friends, bars to go to, drinks to have. I was beyond social and I loved it. I also remember a time after I married my husband, before we had kids where I lived for the weekends. Rush hour traffic on Friday afternoon's was like an eternity. We had beers to drink, boats to play in and a cove on the lake that contained more sins than Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen on a bad day.

Today, I still live for the weekends, but it's just different. Even though McKenna is getting to the age where she can really, truly entertain herself, I feel like she's also more needy than ever all at the same time. This brings me to a place where I just feel like a maid, short order cook, laundromat and therapist. I welcomed ALL of the responsibilities when I got pregnant, but when you work 40 hours a week, drive to and from said job 15 hours a week, do laundry, cook or clean up a meal, bathe the little AND yourself, you just start to feel like you're just another Rat in the Race.

So there's that.

Then, at the job, which I love (because of the company I work for and the people I work with), I am capped out. I will get a pay increase next week and after that I'll be capped out. No more raises. I'm 31 years old and I'm still new (well, I've been here more than a year and a half) to the company. It frustrates me to no end that there's nowhere for me to go. I was literally told by my Regional and Divisional manager that I am in a dead-end position...

UNLESS. What? You know there was a "but" earlier. How could you not see this one coming?

Unless I chose to migrate into a different position. Since our office based out of a different state, there are only two positions I can choose from. What I am now (Office Maven) or what my friends are - Loan Officers. There are pros and cons to both of these positions. I'll give you a few.

Pros of the Office Maven: I can do my job in no more than 1 hour per day, leaving me about 7 hours to do whateveriwantto. I'm the head bitch. A lot of things have to go through me (supplies, etc). I don't have the stress of dealing with processors or underwriters.

Cons of the Office Maven: I can do my job in no more than 1 hour per day, leaving me about 7 hours to waste away. I spend $600 or more a month on gas. No where to go. No more money.

Pros of the Loan Officer: I can work from home once I'm all set up and trained. I have the potential to make six figures when the market is good. I have a lot of people in this office who believe in me and want me to succeed. My boss is my biggest cheerleader.

Cons of the Loan Officer: It's a little bit like prostitution, I would have to sell myself as well as my products. When the market is bad, I would only make $2000 a month. To say I'm horrible at math would be the understatement of the century. When you're dealing with hundreds of thousands of dollars, there is absolutely NO ROOM for a mathematical error. I will have to deal with angry customers, underwriters and processors. If I don't meet minimum expectations, I'll have to answer to the higher powers that be (and I don't like being on the naughty list).

Those are the main points. Now, when you look at those, financially speaking, I would be an absolute rah-todd to not make the transition, but at the same time, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

The bottom line is this: I'm ready for the challenge. I know I have what it takes, and the moments when I think I don't, I have an army of amazing friends here in the office who will pick me up, help me dust off my ass and get me back into the game. I know I rag (or I used to) about the guys around here, but really, they're :some of the greatest guys I know (PS: one is single, so if any of you ladies are in the market...call me). On top of the people who are already in the business, I have an outstanding support system filled with family and friends.

This is me, opening up, stepping outside of my comfort zone to make myself happy. I'm scared shitless, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Boss Man and his Boss have given me the green light. At this point it's a waiting game with the corporate office. My plan is to be rockin' and rollin' by May.

Stay tuned for the second part of my Self Transformation series.

I'm back, y'all, and I'm pretty fucking excited to be here. I hope you've missed me!

Jem Jam and Heifers

2010-12-09T14:40:00.000-06:00

I'm going to make this quick.

I have friends that I met on CafeMom.Com. We're all a bunch of crack pots most of the time.

Well, some of us have met in real life and we're all amazing women, right?

We have this group on Facebook where we can chat, share stories, you know, communicate without actually going to CafeMom.

Here's one of today's threads. Faces and names have been covered to protect the (notso) innocent.

*Warning: This thread DOES have offensive terms and language. If you're a pansy ass, click here.

The moral of this story is that I have amazing mommy friends. One of them, Brandi, just posted a tribute to all of us (Heifers) on her blog and she added this song which I think only fits us so perfect! If any of you are reading this, I love you so much. I'm so glad we're "back"!!!

So let’s shake hands and reach across those party lines

You’ve got your friends just like I’ve got mine

We might think a little differently

But we got a lot in common you will see

We’re just like you

Only prettier

The Tale of Jimmy Williams and Why My Boss Would Be the Worst Murderer

2010-12-06T14:50:00.000-06:00

Before I start this story, I want to say that I DO NOT condone animal cruelty of any kind. This story was told to me by my boss. It might not be funny in black and white, but in person, I was crying. Maybe it's his accent, but this story is so awful, but so funny all at the same time.

The Tale of Jimmy Williams

by Boss Man

When my kids were smaller, they got this cat. He was orange and pink. I named him Jimmy Williams after a ginger I knew in school. Well, Jimmy Williams ate his food in our garage and the garage was stacked full of boxes because my cousin was storing some of her things there.

One day I walked into the garage and Jimmy Williams started hissing at me. I walked out of the garage and found my wife. I asked her if she noticed that Jimmy Williams was a bit more temperamental than normal. She hadn't noticed.

The next day I went into the garage again and Jimmy Williams hissed at me a second time. He sounded so vicious. I went to have a closer look and realized that the cat that was hissing at me wasn't even Jimmy Williams. It was a different, much larger cat. This one was the same color, but his head was the size of a bowling ball.

(via)

I carefully wrangled the cat and put him in a box. I needed to leave before my wife came home. She has a pension for collecting animals off the street, even if they're dangerous.

I took Impostor Jimmy Williams a few miles away to the Wal-Mart parking lot. I pulled around back and let him out of the box. I ran back to the cab of the truck and drove off leaving Impostor Jimmy Williams in a trail of exhaust.

Two days later I went to the garage fridge to get a beer and I hear an evil hiss. Impostor Jimmy Williams found his way back from about 3 miles away. I couldn't believe that rat bastard came back. I was pissed, so I wrangled him again and this time I went up River Road, past the third [water] crossing (author's note: between 8-10 miles from his house) and dropped him off near a group of trees on near the water.

Again, I took off like a bad-out-of-hell leaving Impostor Jimmy Williams in a trail of dust.

I thought the problem was taken care of. Everything was fine and back to normal for a while.

Two weeks later, I went into the garage to find something and I heard the scary hiss again. I'll be damned if that Impostor Jimmy Williams didn't find his way back to my house again. I thought it was a fluke, but sure enough, when I got closer it was the same fat Impostor Jimmy Williams.

I didn't know what else to do and I knew my wife would be home soon. I grabbed my .22 and popped it one time behind the ear. Blood went everywhere so I started to panic. I had to bury the cat and clean up the mess before anyone got back home.

I burried Impostor Jimmy Williams and began to clean. I scrubbed the concrete and as I was doing that I realized that there was blood all over my cousin's boxes. It looked like a slaughter house in there and I started to panic. The only logical thing to do was to find a can of spray paint and paint over the blood on the boxes, so that's what I did.

The day after the "incident" I realized that I hadn't seen the Real Jimmy Williams. I started to freak out because for a split second I thought I killed the Real Jimmy Williams and not the Impostor Jimmy Williams. I never said a word. I couldn't tell my wife I thought I killed our cat on accident.

Four days later the Real Jimmy Williams came home. I picked him up and told him how much I missed him. I hate cats, but I didn't want to put him down because I really thought I killed that asshole.

*********

After telling us this story, everyone in the office was in awe. We laughed a little because he was terrified of this cat, so to defend his actions he said "I think I have the right to protect my home". I started to laugh so hard I cried. He thinks he has the right to protect his home from a little kitty witty. Also, has he was telling the story, when he got to the part about spray painting boxes to cover up his "incident", all I could think of is how horrible of a murderer he would be.

The Dumbest Workday EVER!

2010-11-24T11:29:00.000-06:00

I'm here. At work.

Two people came into the office this morning. Two people have left the office. I'm here alone.

I'm only half complaining. Boss Man said I could leave at noon.

The only issue is that this morning, on my way in to work I was thinking...I drive an hour in and an hour home. I'm driving two hours to "work" for three. What a waste of gas and money.

With all that said, I'm going to leave early (earlier than noon).

I'm going to go home and do laundry and pack for our weekend. Then, maybe I'll pick McKenna up from school. Or maybe I'll leave her there until Monday. Who really knows.

Back to the dumbest workday ever. In this industry, if a holiday falls on a Thursday, it's a ghost town on Wednesdays. Eventually, in the future, they will call Wednesday AND Thursday (and Friday) a holiday which will only make Tuesday the Ghost Town day and then in another future, the holiday will be Tuesday through Friday the holiday.

(via)

Do you see where I'm going with this?

The entire year will end up a "holiday" and nobody will work. Except for me. I'll drive an hour to sit for three and then drive another hour home. I have awesome work ethics like that.

I hope that anyone travelling does it safely! Eat lots of turkey and stuffing and start your diets on Friday (and then again on December 26th and again on January 1st).

Vegas: The Finale

2010-11-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

Saturday morning we woke up and went to breakfast. Well, it was breakfast because it was 9:15 in the morning, but by any other standards, we had lunch. We ate at Fatburger and if you've never eaten at Fatburger, your life really isn't complete (if you're a meat eater). It was early and it smelled good so we figured "why the hell not". I ordered the smallest burger and My Husband ordered the "XL" burger. I could go into great detail about how juicy and delicious they were, but I don't want to make you jealous.

Let's just say that every meal after that I was all "OMG, I want a Fatburger". I still want a Fatburger right this second just thinking about it. They were good, y'all!

During breakfast, My Husband and I talked about how much money we hadn't really lost in comparison to our previous trips to Lost Wages. We also talked about doing something we have never done while we were still there since it was our last day.

As we walked out of Fatburger I said "there's the helicopter tour place. Let's just see what it's all about". He agreed that if we didn't at least look into it, we would never look into it again.

We walked in and were greeted by the Best Multitasker On The Face of Las Vegas. This woman, Stacy had to have been on some pretty good uppers because she was more upbeat and chipper than me (shut it, I'm not always a bitter bitch). She never lost her smile and was able to talk on the phone and to two different customers at the same time. Three different on-going conversations plus smile. It was amazing and strange all at the same time.

We realized that we were too late for anything really. A lot of the tours of the Grand Canyon leave around 6:00 in the morning and don't come back until the late afternoon. These tours take you by helicopter to the Grand Canyon, drop you off, you eat, walk around and come back at the end of the day.

Stacy then lets us in on a little secret. She pulls out three different pamphlets and starts jotting prices down upside down. Again, her talents never ceased to amaze me. "there's this one that gives you this and this and then there's this one that includes this plus this and then and then and then and then (NO MORE AND THEN, STACY). She calls one of the helicopter companies to see if they have any openings for the afternoon trip. Nothing. She calls another. Nothing. Another. Nothing.

Finally, she finds us a tour. At this point, we were still just looking into everything, but when she found two open seats on a sunset tour to the Grand Canyon, we couldn't pass them up. Mostly because we were afraid she would go ape-shit on is if we just walked out after all her hard, happy work.

We walked out of the tour place and I was so damn excited. I couldn't quit smiling or saying "OMG WE'RE GOING TO THE GRAND CANYON" over and over. My Husband was excited too, he just doesn't show it so obviously like I do.

Stacy told us that the limo would pick us up at 3:30 that afternoon...

Jason, our limo driver took us to McCarran - to Sundance Helicopters in style!

Once we got to Sundance, we sort of waited around for a bit so they could get us checked in. After check-in we had to watch a "brief" safety video about fire extinguishers and life jackets. It was a great cinematic event.

Then, they took our group of 6 people outside and walked us to our ride. This wasn't it, but it looked exactly like this one!

Bubba, our pilot (who looks a whole lot like Ray Romano if you're asking me) gave us the run down on the safety stuff again. At the end of his safety schtick he asked if anyone wanted to sit in the front. At that very second, I turned into the most obnoxious 1st grader - my hand was raised and I was half jumping up and down "I DO! I DO!". I said a silent prayer that nobody else wanted to sit up there. There was only room for two and Bubba offered the other seat to the only other female on the flight, but she declined so My Husband sat up front with me! He never said it, but I'm pretty sure he was thankful for my immature jumping and obnoxiousness! We had the best seats in the house!

After Bubba got everyone situated and comfortable he hopped in and did the same. Please note that he's wearing a Bolo Tie. Who does that anymore? BUBBA! That's who.

I hate flying. I cry at take off and landing. I don't like it, but I'd rather fly than drive. My Husband has learned to cope with me on flights. He reminds me to breathe and tells me that everything will be okay (despite the sound of the plane exploding). He was worried about my nervousness on this helicopter, but I have to say, helicopter flying is WAY easier than a plane! You're up and then you're down. There's none of the loud noises. The picture above is just as we lifted off the ground! It was amazing!

I was in awe of all the gauges and knobs! I swear I didn't touch anything, but the 1st grader in me wanted to be all "WHAT DOES THIS DOOOOOO"? I tried to pretend in my head that I knew exactly what every gauge meant. I didn't. Pretending is fun.

Our headphones blasted music of all sorts - all of it good! The music was synced to our trip, so as we took off we listed to the opening number from Austin Powers and as we started to pick up speed we listened to Danger Zone from Top Gun! In between songs, as we would pass over different things, a recorded commentator would fill us in on what it was and it's significance to history and/or geography. It was really neat!

I took pictures like a mad woman, but these in this post are some of my favorites! This picture above is the Hoover Dam. It looks SO SMALL from up high, but it's monstrous in real life!

This wasn't a specific landmark or anything, it just amazed me how the sun and the shadows dance across the landscape. It's so neat to be up there and think that you and 6 other people are seeing what you are and nobody in the world will ever see what you did.

We arrived at the Grand Canyon as the sun was starting to set. The colors were amazing. I imagined that this is how beautiful the color change is on the east coast, but different. This ledge grabbed my attention because of the top left portion. I keep wondering how that happened. What passed through that section to hollow it out like that?

Again, the way the shadows are cast on the landscape. I know I sound totally stupid, but I can't express to y'all how amazingly breathtaking this was for me.

All of these pictures are raw (well, except the limo picture). It looks like the landscape on the top of this picture was photoshopped in or something. It almost looks cartoonish.

This is the same picture, but I put one of my favorite quotes on it. For me, this picture is exactly what John Lennon is talking about. These days, we're so worried about things that really, in the grand scheme of things are insignificant. This trip to the Grand Canyon was life. If we had stayed at the casino and lost money or decided to find a bar and get tanked, those other plans would have prevented us from seeing something so damn amazing. Something we'll never see again. Sure, we may do another helicopter tour, but it won't be the same. The light and shadows will be different. The sky will look different. It will be amazing just like the first time, but the first time was out of this world.

This trip to Vegas was the best so far! I don't say it enough, but I really do have an Amazing Husband. I'm not sure if he'll read this, and if he does, he may never admit it, but I want to thank you for making this trip so special. This was the best anniversary gift and I'm not sure how we'll out-do it next year.

Vegas: Orgasms in a Packed House

2010-11-23T07:00:00.002-06:00

It makes me really sad that the title of this post is completely relevant to what I'm actually writing.

On Friday morning we woke up and had the worst breakfast in the history of Vegas. It was basically bacon, which you guys know I love, but there was really nothing else. Not even toast. There were muffins and croissants, but no damn toast.

After breakfast we walked next door (which, when using the Vegas Metric System - VMS, it's about 2.67 miles) and walked through The Luxor and Mandalay Bay.

Aside: If you are ever in the Mandalay Bay hotel and you're looking for a bathroom, don't. There isn't one near you. At all. Just find some stairs and go down them - hook a left and walk down the hall. There was not one bathroom on the casino floor. Actually, just don't go into the Mandalay Bay hotel at all. There's an aquarium in there that is about a mile hike to get to from the entrance of the hotel and once you get there and realize that it costs almost $20 to walk through, you'll just have to turn around and go back. Unless you like that kind of thing and enjoy paying "Vegas Prices" to do so, then stay, but bring an empty cup for your bathroom needs. I'm not kidding.

After we had a bathroom emergency and by "we", I mean "me", we decided to leave. We went back to our hotel and bought tickets to see Zumanity (Cirque Du Soleil) since it was in our hotel. There were others we could have seen, but this one looked good.

(via)

Zumanity is an adult show. This means boobs and wangs in banana hammocks all over the place. If you're prude or embarrassed by that type of stuff, don't go see this.

The rest of the day leading up to the show was pretty uneventful. We gambled a little bit, took some more naps and then headed to the show. We had balcony seats, which was just fine by us. The only thing we couldn't see in it's entirety was the "pre-show", but we could hear it and see most of it, so it was fine.

Now, without ruining the entire show for you, I'm just going to touch on the basics of this show. If you choose to one day see Zumanity, I hope you have a better experience than we did.

I think Bullet Points would be appropriate for this:

We get to the show and find our seats. All is well. We have seats 1 and 2 which means that we're on the end of the row. We like this.
Seat number 3 was occupied by a man who's friends were sitting a few rows away. I should have left my purse in the room because I felt a little bit over-crowded.
About 15 minutes before the actual show started, this woman and man sit behind us (for a better understanding of the rest of this - when I turned over my right shoulder, there she was).
She immediately starts saying things like "I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING FROM HERE! I'm spoiled. I want better seats", while her partner/husband/boyfriend/John says "these were free tickets. There is nothing I can do about it".
She continues to whine. Loudly.
The show starts and the emcee of the show is a woman who looks a whole lot like Liza Menilli. She's wearing next to nothing and as she's singing the opening "Zumanity" number, her voice is low, like she's trying to be sexy.
Everything from here on out is basically sex, nekkid, nipples, wangs in glittery banana hammocks and more sex. Parts were awesome and parts were sort of strange, but...
The worst part of the entire show was the woman behind us.
SHE MOANED like she was climaxing during the entire.fucking.show.

Ooooooohhhhhhhh gawwwwwwwwd
Yessss. YEsssssssss. YESSSSSSSSSSS.
*heavy breathing* this is ahhhhhhhhhmazing *heavy breathing*
OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Seriously. I wish I was lying.
At one point, I looked at My Husband and said "she is making me uncomfortable". Like, I get that most of the people in the theater are getting all hot and bothered and will probably retreat to where ever they're staying and do it up all night long, but this lady was totally ruining that for me.
I felt disgusting and I wanted to turn around and neck punch her at least 14 times.
We would have probably had a better time at the strip club Geraldo was going to - where you pay girls to make those noises in your ear.
I'm just sayin'.
Enter the midget. I couldn't watch.
He did some fly through the air on white drapes thing and at one point I thought he was going to die.
He was creepy, even though he had abs better than The Situation.
Towards the end of the show Liza Menilli gets some people on the stage - clearly blind siding them.
Barbara was about 68ish. Heavy set woman with big blonde hair. She was 18 shades of red when she was shoved up there, but by the end of it she was on top of one of the "hot guys" dry humping him.
Then there was this little guy. Liza made fun of him because he was so little. A few minutes later, he's laying on the stage with nothing on from the waste up and about 6 topless "hot girls" are rubbing him down. The poor guy. You know he had a chubby. YOU KNOW HE DID.
Then, as the girls are rubbing on this guy, Liza starts to rub him on his legs and thighs. At this point, I thought this poor guy was going to make a mess on the stage.
Shortly before this guy explodes, the entire orgy on the stage, including little guy and Barbara get sucked into the stage and all that's left is Liza.
She picks two more people out of the audience and asks them to go on stage. She tells the guy "ladies first" and lets his wife go up first.
Then she looks again and said "ladies first...oh. that's me"...The entire audience starts to laugh.
Liza turns around and says "SHHHHH HE DOESN'T KNOW YET"...
Yeah, Liza was really a Ricky. Or something.
I had no idea that SHE was a HE.
How did I not pick up on this?
Deep voice?
The only person during the entire show that kept her top on?
She appeared to be tall - about 6'3"ish?
Yeah, I was fooled.

After the show, as we were walking out, the people behind us had already left. I wanted to try to push her down the stairs, but she was probably in the bathroom taking a whore's bath.

After the show we watched Machete in the hotel room and passed out.

This was the most boring Vegas Post ever, but seriously, it was a good day, even with the Inappropriate Orgasm Lady.

Zumanity gets 3 stars out of 5 from me. There wasn't as much acrobatics and dancing like the others. Just sex. It was good, but not my favorite.

Tomorrow's post will be filled with awesome stuff, y'all. I promise!

Here's a teaser (if you know what it is, don't ruin it for the rest of the class)!

Win Vegas!! Part One

2010-11-22T11:01:00.000-06:00

This story will have to be posted in different parts because Chief hates it when I'm so long winded.

When people ask if we brought back any winnings from Las Vegas, my response is always the same. "It's not called Win Vegas". Typically "we" lose really well while we're there, and by "we", I mean "ME". I lose well. My Husband wins and I take it and lose it all back.

What? Someone has to keep the economy going in Vegas. It's a tough job, but seriously, y'all. I don't mind.

I wouldn't consider this last trip to Vegas a "losing" trip though. Nope, we won! We didn't gamble much, we rested a lot and experienced things we'll never again be able to experience. I'll try and give you the "short and condensed" version, but this is coming from me, so you might as well put a pot of coffee on...

Thursday:

Our flight left at 8:50 in the morning. We dropped McKenna off at my SIL's house and bolted. She was crying and didn't want us to leave but we couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough! Call me a bad parent, but seriously, that girl can be a jerk sometimes. Seriously.

We got to the airport, whizzed right through security and boarded our plane. We flew from San Antonio to San Diego. I know, we flew right over the top of Vegas just to turn around and go back. Silly, right? Well, there wasn't a direct flight until late in the afternoon and we wanted to have some time to hang out there on Thursday.

In San Deigo, we deplaned and had to go out of the airport and back in to a different terminal, thus forcing us back through security. Fine. No big deal, right? WRONG. My perfume (brand new) was confiscated because it was too big. I've always traveled with a bottle the same size, even out of the country and never had a problem. Fine. Take it, toss it, whatever, just get me to VEGAS, bitches.

Nope. Not so fast, muchacha. My One Carry On Bag was x-rayed twice. After the second time, the TSA Agent decided that she needed to search it for...wait for it.

EXPLOSIVES.

Yes. They never patted me down or made me go through the vagina scanner or anything, but she unpacked my perfectly packed bag and stuck a probe in there to be sure I wasn't trying to take explosives with me. Thankfully, she packed everything back in there, almost exactly how I had it to begin with, but she wasn't very nice. Coincidentally, a few days later some guy was thrown out of the same terminal at the same airport by the same TSA Agents for refusing to let them "touch his junk" or go through the penis scanner.

Finally, we get on the plane and as we're taxi-ing to take off, I notice a cruise ship in the port. I asked the guy next to me if San Diego was a cruise port and he wasn't sure, but told me that the ship we were looking at was the one that was stranded in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico for three days without electricity or food. Nice. It was sort of a weird moment - like something you hear about on the news, but never really think anything more than "that sucks", but then you see it in real life and then you're thinking "holy shit, there are people who were sitting in the dark at sea for three days probably sitting next to me in that airport", followed by "my sister is going on a cruise in a week. I hope something like that doesn't happen to them while they're somewhere between here and Jamaica"...

Next Stop, Vegas.

The plane lands and we hit the ground running. Well, not really running as much as "hit the ground to get out of the airport to stand in a line that is literally a half a mile long to hail a taxi". It went pretty fast, but seriously, all the back and fourth, winding up and down the sidewalk they have going on there is a little much.

Next Stop, New York New York Hotel.

We get to the hotel, check in and head up to our room. See, it was a free room, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I learned fairly quickly that when you lose enough money to get a comped room, they give you a free room, alright. A free room that is so small and so packed with furniture you can't step out of bed without stubbing your toe on something. It was fine, though.

The second my bags touched the bench in the room I was all "OMGOMG let's gooooooooo do something". My Husband obliged, so we wandered the hotel and found a Nathan's Hot Dog stand. Yum. Followed by OMGMYTHROATISONFIRE heart burn. I was sure that flame-y vomit was going to come flying out of my mouth at any second.

From Heartburn City, we went on to The Hard Rock Cafe. We enjoyed a refreshing adult beverage and headed back to our microtel room. There, I wish I could say that many magical things happened, but really, we napped. I napped for about an hour while My Husband napped for about 5. I texted Jessica, who was dog sitting and told her that PeePaw was sleeping and I just want to googooogooooooooooooo.

Shortly after I texted Gus, My Husband rose from the dead and out the door we went. We stopped off and bought our passes for The Deuce and headed to our favorite bar in town - Hogs & Heifers off of Freemont Street (Experience). We walked in and it was sort of like Cheers. They didn't remember our names, but as soon as our asses hit the barstools, we were like best friends! We started our night with a jager bombs and followed those up with some of the coldest Miller Lite's I've ever poured down the hatch. After a few beers, I decided I would do shots of Crown with the bartender and a group of huge burley men at the other end of the bar. My Husband sort of laughed because when these big dudes saw me, they were all "are you even old enough to drink whiskey"? My Husband said something like "just watch your ass man, she'll drink you under the table with that shit". So, we line 'em up and shoot. The bartender and I slammed our shot glasses down a good 10 seconds before the big guys. We watched them squirm and make gag faces until they finished. They never said another word.

A few minutes later, the empty stool next to me was occupied by another group of people. Two men and two women. I later found out that it was Beth and Colleen, my long lost friends from Wisconsin. Well, not really, but we became fast friends. Drinks can do that to you. At one point, one of the bartenders, Jasmine, also known as BOOBS went and did this punching bag thing and got a really high score. Well, all the hard dicks in the bar didn't want to look like sissy's, so they all fed money into the machine to try to beat her score. A handful did, but some of those dudes walked away with their peckers tucked between their legs. I told Colleen and Beth that if I did it, they would have to also. By this time, I was well past 3 sheets and would do just about anything. My Husband handed me 3 one dollar bills and I distributed them accordingly. I went first. I took my shoes off (OMG, the GERMS) and gave it a running start. 347! 347! Yeah, that's all I gave it. I'm a wuss, but I wasn't talking any mean shit about being super-tough. Colleen and Beth both scored higher than me, but it was fun! After a little punching bag fun, we continued to drink. And then the three of us got on the bar and danced. Our competition were two women who took their bras off and hung them on the wall. One was about 114 years old and the other one was about 38ish and just nasty. My Husband has pictures and possibly video of all of this, but he swore to me it would never make it to the internet, so there you go, y'all.

The three of us girls managed to be all "OMG we are best friends. Let's hang out tomorrow. I'll text you my number". So I texted each of them my number, but also managed to plug my own fucking blog to one of them - Colleen, I think. I texted her the link to my blog, y'all. That's shameless drunk plugging, right there.

I didn't feel so bad because a few days later she commented (without an email) saying that they lost everything they had. Well, not really, but she commented on my blog - Colleen, if you're reading this, be sure to attach your email so I can reply to you! I guess I could always text, but that would just be awkward because we never hung out like BFF's in Vegas usually do. It's whatever though!

Earlier in the night, as we were getting off the Gold Line (like The Deuce, but different - it doesn't make as may stops) the bus driver (or was it a recording) told us that the last bus leaves Freemont Street at 12:30AM. I kept watching my watch (redundant much?) so we could make the last bus.

That never happened. We shut Hogs & Heifers down and took a cab back to our hotel.

The only thing I remember about the cab ride home was that I kept calling our driver Geraldo because he had a thick accent. He told me he was from Cuba and his real name is Richard Font. Yeah, that sounds like a Cuban name, y'all. Who is he trying to fool? Geraldo swore I was going to puke in his ride because My Husband told him that we were at Hogs & Heifers celebrating my 21st birthday. Geraldo just kept telling me "jew don wanna puke in here. It weel cost you a lots of money".

As we got out of the cab, Geraldo tried to take my husband to a strip club. Then Geraldo was all "oh, I don't want your birthday girl to get mad" and My Husband was all "oh, she doesn't care, but I'm not going to go. Thanks though". I asked My Husband why he didn't want to go and he was all "I don't feel like waking up in a bathtub full of ice and only one kidney in Vegas, babe".

Geraldo was such a nice guy.

Tomorrow I'll post about day two, which I'm sure you guys will just love! Let's just say it involves a lot of naked boobs. You won't want to miss it, I promise!

I Like You

2010-11-12T00:01:00.001-06:00

On this day, five whole years ago I married my best friend. I have best girlfriends, but My Husband really is my best friend. I like him.

He's taught me a lot over the last several years, and for that, I could never thank him enough.

I could go on for days and days about how much I love him or the reasons why, but y'all would get bored and he may or may not read this.

Circa 2005 with My Princess (before he married KrisKay) and Mr. Z

November 2009

October 2008

July 2009

December 2008

Jessica's high school graduation (OMG she's about to gradimate from COLLEGE, y'all!)

My Princess and KrisKay's Wedding - June 2007 or was it 2008?

Valentine's Date 2007

November 11, 2006. Our First Anniversary celebrated at a company party. I was ~~a million~~ 8 months pregnant.

Babe,
I love you more and more every single day. I could never thank you enough for everything you do for me and McKenna. I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but I think that deep down inside you love that asshole.

Life would never be the same without you and I'm glad you picked me to be your partner in crime for the rest of your days.

Gray See A Lore (hullalewyah)
Habby Good Day

I love you forever and ever (amen).

Your wife,
Jenn B

PS
I hope we're ahead in Vegas right now!

I Can Already Feel My Hangover

2010-11-10T14:27:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year, folks! It's VEGAS TIMEEEE! Last year My Husband and another couple spent Halloween in Vegas for My Husband's Dirty Thirty. This year we're spending the 11th to the 14th in Vegas because, well, MGM International called me and told me they would comp my room (yeah. FREE, bitches - Read: That just means I've lost a lot of money with them) and two, Friday will be our 5 year anniversary!

Traditionally, we should be giving each other "wood", which I'll be giving *ba dump ching* and the "modern" list says we should be giving silverware. I don't know about y'all, but Vegas sounds a bit better than a wooden bear statue carved with a chainsaw for the front yard or another set of flatware. We've been using the same silverware for more than five years and it's in ship-shape.

Anyhow, we're going to Vegas. Our plane leaves at 8:20 in the morning and I'm so ready to just be there already.

Before I go any further, I have a confession to make: I'm an over-packer. I can leave town for 4 days or 14 days and I have to take the biggest suitcase I own and pack it full of shit I'll never even drag out of the damn thing. I'm always the one who has to check my luggage for every trip. My Husband packs everything in ONE duffel bag and carries it on. We went to Mexico for a week. One duffel bag. Vegas for a week. One duffel bag. Not Jenn B. Nope.

Last night I started and finished packing. I put it into One Carry-On Bag.

I'll let that sink in for a minute.

One fucking carry-on bag. That would be one pair of Michael Kors heels (Sister, if you're reading this, it's not that pair it's the other pair), one pair of flip-flops (which I'll wear on the plane), three pairs of jeans, 6 tops, panties, toiletries and make up. One Carry-On Bag.

This morning I woke up freaking out a little because I felt like I was forgetting something (yes, more than 24 hours before the trip) and whatever I was forgetting wouldn't fit in my One Carry-On Bag. Also, just as I typed that, I remembered what it was. My flat iron. That sonovabitch better fit in that bag or heads will rolllllll. I won't even dare ask My Husband to put it into his bag. If I did he would probably come up with some smart-ass "you should have used a bigger bag" line to mock me and my One Carry-On Bag. He is in disbelief that I'm only taking the One Carry-On Bag and I think he thinks at any second I'm going to go bat-shit crazy and throw everything I own into that gigantic suitcase.

We'll see.

In closing, since today's Wednesday, I'm going to give y'all my Thursday Thirteen List of things we'll do in Vegas. I know, work with me here.

1) See a Cirque show we've never seen.

2) Not touch one porn card on the side of the street, even when those guys are hustlin'

3) Eat the best meal ever at a restaurant we don't have near home.

4) Ride some roller coasters (but not the ones on the Stratosphere because we've already done that)

5) Pay a visit to our favorite Vegas people at Hogs & Heifers

6) Ask every cab driver where he's from and if he misses the food from there.

7) Ride The Deuce every chance we get. Walking is fun, but really, The Deuce is where it's at.

8) Drink my weight in vodka and whiskey.

9) Punch a frat boy in the face if I see him with one of those guitar drinks (Brandi, you're different).

10) Steer clear of O'Shea's because they have a little person standing at the front door.

11) Make this the second trip to Vegas without touching ONE DOOR handle. I did it last year and I will continue my streak.

12) Take pictures like all the other foreign tourists. This year I have a camera that is way better than before, so...

13) Come back without an abscess that needs to be packed and drained. If you don't know this story...that will have to be a blog post on it's own.

Y'all behave yourselves around here. I don't want to come back to a shit storm, ya hear?

Also, no crazy ideas about having parties at my house while I'm gone. Jessica and Dearest are house sitting. No, they're staying at my house to be sure that Rusty doesn't ingest another foreign object. They're in charge while I'm gone, so no funny biznass!

I NEDA Tell You About It!

2010-11-09T10:07:00.000-06:00

This past Saturday I strapped on my best pair of tennis shoes and headed north to Austin! I absolutely despise wearing closed toe shoes, but this was for a good cause and well worth the pain and suffering my little piggies had to endure.

If you'll go back in your Way Back Machine, you'll remember that I'm on the Board of Directors for a Non-Profit in Austin called AFED (Austin Foundation for Eating Disorders) because of this. Well, there is a national organization called NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association). They have a great website with stories from people in recovery, links for how you can get involved and most recently, people across the country have been walking in organized groups for NEDA. Think Race for the Cure, without all the pink-washing and breast cancer.

Anyboobs, I walked my ~~little~~ big ass off on Saturday for NEDA. I walked with parents of children in recovery, adults in recovery and people who have made it from near death, back to life. It was an amazing experience altogether and the girls in the Austin Area (Janessa, Jessica & Leilani) who put on this FIRST EVER NEDA Walk in Austin (and in Texas!) did a bang-up job! They went from having 30 people registered to walk towards the end of last week to over a hundred registered walkers the day of the event! That, my friends is the power of voice.

After the walk, the Key-Note speaker was great! Shannon Cutts is the author of the book Beating Ana and has been in recovery for quite some time. She has made it her life goal to mentor people in the eating disorder community and is the founder of MentorCONNECT. It was nice to hear someone so far out of recovery talk about their experience. It was like she was shedding a glimmer of hope to those in the audience who were currently battling The Beast in some form. After she spoke, people walked up to her to visit. I assumed it was because her words echoed in each of their heads. When I noticed she was alone, as she gathered her lovely plant that was given to her as a "thank you" from the girls who planned the event, I walked up to her and reached for her hand. I held it for just a second and thanked her for everything she is doing and has done in the eating disorder community. She squeezed my hand and gave me a hug. I'm not sure if she thought I was there for support (I was) or if I was in the recovery process, but she genuinely loved hearing "thank you". I started walking away from her and she said "hey! wait! What am I supposed to do with this plant? It's beautiful, but I'm going to kill it". It made me laugh because I have the blackest thumb this side of Canada and I told her so. Then, she says "well, I owe my mom a new plant since I killed her rose bush. She'll love this". As I was driving away from the walk, I was giggling about our plant talk. It made me realize that she really had beat The Beast. It was like she was taking something that could potentially be negative (the death of the plant) and finding the silver lining by handing it over to a fit plant parent (her mom). I know that sounds strange, but it makes sense in my head, so roll with me, mmkay?

The walk was a huge success. In their first year ever to have a NEDA Walk in Austin (and Texas!) they raised over $5,000 which is not to shabby! I look forward to walking again year after year.

In other Ed related news, a while back, Cheryl and I were a guest poster for Blogger Body 2011. If you don't know what this project is and you're a blogger, SHAAAAAAME on you! The short of it is: A few (12 to be exact) well known bloggers including The Bloggess and Dumb Mom have posed NUDE. NEKID. IN THE BUFF to show that beauty isn't only magazine thin. To show that Positive Body Image is so So SO important, especially for us and our children. They have put all of their nakey pictures into a calendar and they're selling it! They're selling it and people are going to buy it! When people buy it, the proceeds go directly to...you guessed it, NEDA!!!

To show my continued support and enthusiasm to see some of my favorite writers nekid, I'm going to be keeping a button on my sidebar to sell the shit outta these bad boys! I will not give up until I know that The Bloggess' bootay is in every kitchen slash office around the WORLD! That's my goal, to sell The Bloggess' in the buff.

What are you waiting for? Click on that cute little button up there and BUY THE BLOGGESS without her clothes on!

PS
I will only stop selling "THE BLOGGESS without her clothes on" if she comments and asks me to stop. Until then, BUY THE BLOGGESS without her clothes on!

I'm Reaching Out To You For Help!

2010-11-05T09:51:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I'm an active member for a non-profit organization here in Austin called AFED (Austin Foundation for Eating Disorders). This weekend, I will be participating as a walker and volunteer for our annual NEDA Walk.

I've never asked y'all for money, but today I'm reaching out to you for a few things:

1) Learn more about eating disorders and how they can affect your life!
2) Take a minute to read Kelsey's Story - my dear friend, Cheryl's daughter who lost her life to The Beast nearly 17 months ago.
3) Dig deep into your couch coushins and donate. My personal goal is $100 in 24 hours. If you guys can help me reach my goal, I will use random.org to pick a name from everyone who donated and send you a special gift. For every hundred dollars you help me raise, I'll add an additional person drawn ($300 = 3 winners).

Tomorrow I walk in memory of Kelsey Nicole Veldman as well as every person out there who has suffered with an eating disorder, like Sunday, The Banshee.

Now, click this link and donate! Tweet this link out so others will donate! Blog about this, even!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you from the depths of my soul!

Now I Can Talk About It

2010-11-04T09:35:00.001-05:00

Friday, Rusty The Wonder Wiener Dog got sick. He puked and barfed and hurled all the live long day. Saturday morning we took him to the vet (the weekend vet - so not the vet Rusty will see during normal M-F hours). She did some x-rays and found something in his colon. On an x-ray it's impossible to tell what it is unless it's something obvious like a screw or a toy car (have you seen the first Jackass Movie?).

My Husband is the one that took Rusty in on Saturday. The vet had told him that since we just moved here and Rusty is getting used to all the smells and shit around our house, he probably ate a pecan off the ground. Pecans can be lethal to dogs. A lot of them, especially smaller breeds can't digest the shell.

My Husband came home with our sick son and explained that there was a pecan shell in his colon, just like the vet explained to him. We were given specific feeding and watering instructions as well as some pain and nausea medicine.

We monitored our limp and whiny dog all day long. That evening we were having people over since My Husband's birthday was Sunday (yes, Halloween...oooohhHHoooo...SPOOOOOOKY). When people started to arrive, My Husband's Aunt K and her husband, F'n B explained that when their dogs (both labs) get sick like this, they give them Mineral Oil (read: intestinal lubricant) and within 20 minutes or so they're shitting a 40 foot rooster tail and all is right with the world.

F'n B drove their golf cart (yes, that's how we roll around there. Plus, they only live 4 doors down from us) back to the house and grabbed the mineral oil. My Husband gave Rusty a small syringe full and the party guests watched and waited to see if there would be a magical rainbow of butt pee emerging from our little dog. We waited and waited and waited. Nothing. Not even a popcorn fart.

About 3 hours later we gave him some more. Surely the second dose of poop lube would do the trick, right?

No.

Notsomuch.

Sunday rolled around and Rusty got worse. He wouldn't walk, eat or drink anything. We were forcing him to take water via syringe just to keep him hydrated. Around midday, my CAMIL called to tell My Husband happy birthday. He told her something along the lines of "well, it's not very happy. I'm watching Rusty die. I don't want him to die on my birthday". She immediately pipes up and says that we need to give him an enema. If the vet said that the shell was in his colon, going in through the back door would surely do the trick.

Off I went to the drugstore where I bought two different kinds of enemas. I should also note that when I asked the pharmacist which one would work best for my 16 pound dog he looked at me like I was wearing a hat made of tin foil. He said that he would NOT recommend that I use the enemas on dogs because they're not made for animals.

Sigh. Against his advice, I bought them and went home. My Husband took Rusty outside - carried him and set him down. He looked Rusty in his weak little eyes and said "I know buddy. I don't want to do this either, but I love you". He gave Rusty the enema and again, we watched and waited for magical poop to emerge from his body.

We sat outside with him for 2 hours and basically had a staring contest. It was like a stand off. Rusty sat at the edge of the porch in the grass and we had our chairs in the yard about 15 feet away. We literally just stared at him and tried to coax him to walk around every few minutes.

After two hours and no magic poop, I went inside and My Husband stayed out for another 2 hours. Nothing.

No poop.

No runs.

No magical rainbows with pecan shells.

My Husband left that evening to go to work so I was given the task of taking Rusty back to the vet on Monday morning.

After blood work and some other poking and prodding, Dr. Bugai (his normal vet) said that he needed to be admitted to the animal hospital to be hydrated via IV for at least 24 to 48 hours. After this, he would reassess the situation. If there was no progress, he would have to do exploratory $$$$$$$$urgery.

I left him with Dr. Bugai on Monday afternoon. Monday after I picked McKenna up from school I took her by to see Rusty. She was hysterical earlier in the morning and didn't want to leave him so I wanted to make sure that she saw he was okay and in good hands. As we turned to walk out of the room, the vet tech pointed out Rusty's room mate. A skunk named Sister. LOVELY. The glands had been removed and I learned that Sister is Dr. Bugai's pet. They often let her roam the office along with the two cats and two dogs they keep. Not something you'd see in the city, that's for sure!

Tuesday My Husband went to check on Rusty. He was doing much better with he fluids. He perked up and showed excitement when he saw My Husband, but Dr. Bugai explained that we weren't out of the woods just yet. He still hadn't eaten and he surely hasn't dumped.

Tuesday afternoon Dr. Bugai fed Rusty by hand. He said he inhaled it so fast he thought he was going to lose a finger. This was great news, but still...waiting for the magic poop.

Yesterday morning My Husband called to check on The Wonder Wiener. He was told by the tech that Rusty pooped, but Dr. Bugai wasn't due in until the afternoon, so we would have to wait.

Dr. Bugai called My Husband back later yesterday and told him that it wasn't a pecan shell. It was a "giant ball of cloth". THE FUCK?

For days we thought it was a sharp piece of a nut shell that could perforate his colon and make him bleed to death. Nope. It was a cloth ball.

We have no idea (well, I think I have a good idea, but it's not confirmed) where he ate a piece of cloth, but Rusty is home and doing well.

He's back to snuggling and invading blanket space just like before!

We didn't want him to die and we surely didn't want to have that talk with McKenna.

Big props to our favorite vet and fecal inspector, Dr. Bugai! Also, thanks to everyone who called, emailed, texted and generally inquired about Rusty. It was a tough weekend because we really thought something horrible would happen.

Finally, my question to you is: Do you put a cap on what you'll spend on your pet before you're "finished"? I know that Rusty is just a dog, but to us, he's our first son. This past weekend cost us a lot of money. Not enough to put us in the hole or force us to eat pork & beans for the rest of the year, but it wasn't cheap. What would you do? Are you a pet person?

One Suck Week

2010-10-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I posted about the Adventures of Roy & Kozul on their cross-country trip from Texas to Michigan.

Today I'm posting about my day. My day that went south before 7:30 in the morning. Yeah.

I dropped McKenna and my niece off at school at 7:00 on the dot and hit the road. It was cooler than normal this morning so I stopped at McDonald's for a cup-a-joe. As I pulled out and made my way onto the access road of the interstate I start gaining speed so I can get onto said interstate.

About a block out of the parking lot I see a cop parked in a business driveway. I looked at my GPS and it showed that I was going 60 miles an hour.

I looked up again at the cop as I got closer and he already has his light bar a-flashin' so I slowed down and pulled over.

"Do you know how fast you were going"? Of course I did. I told him and he laughed "wow, you're good"! Again, you're just talking crazy. I know I'm good.

Our conversation continued "where are you headed"? "To work in Austin". "Wow, you've got quite the drive. Is this your current address in Small Town"? "Yes, sir". He paused and looked at me like I was a criminal full of lies and said "wait. You work in Austin, you live in Small Town and you go to this McDonald's in New Braunfels"?

Then, I had to explain that I take the girls to school in this other Even Smaller Town and hit this road to get to I-35. I told him I wasn't out causing any trouble, just trying to get to work. I'm pretty sure he still suspected that I was out gang bangin', drug slangin' and just generally up to no good. I mean, don't I just look like a trouble-maker?

By the end of that conversation he reached for his holster and I started to sweat...until I realized that he wasn't reaching for his gun, but this little scanner thing-a-ma-bob. I guess now they have all this new fangled technology that takes all the real "cop work" out of their jobs. With this handheld scanner device he swipped my driver's license to be sure there were no warrants, entered my insurance policy number to be sure it was legit and scanned my registration sticker on my windshield to make sure it wasn't fake. Then, he took the scanner to his car and came back with a neatly printed citation.

He wrote me a ticket all without writing anything at all.

I think I want to be a cop when I grow up.

The good news is that I can take defensive driving and the ticket will never go on my record AND my insurance company will give me a 10% discount.

The bad news is that I have to take defensive driving. There goes six hours of my precious time down the shitter.

It could be worse though. My car could have exploded in a firey inferno on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere (AKA Sulpher Springs, Texas) while I was on my way to Michigan from Texas. Yeah, that would be worse. **knocks on wood**

In other news, I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Halloween weekend! This year McKenna will be dressing up as a witch (her choice and oh-so-appropriate) and she will not be going trick-or-treating.

Go ahead, GASP in horror about how I'm such a horrible, mean mother. I'll wait.

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Instead of Trick-or-Treating, we'll be having a nice family dinner somewhere to celebrate My Husband's birthday! His birthday is far more important than wandering the streets, scouring the neighborhoods for the best candy. Besides, she's not even 4 yet, so as long as she gets to dress up, she couldn't really care less. She'll end up with plenty of candy from her grandparents and it's only a matter of time before My Husband has to take the backseat to her Halloween Adventures.

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In closing, I would like to share a little conversation that Viper had with me. It was more of a one-sided conversation because I had no words for what he was saying.

(Preface: This "conversation" is about abortion. I personally, am Pro-Choice {unless you use it as a form of birth control}. I'm not here to argue what is right or wrong, so please don't leave comments of that nature. You can email me if you feel like having an adult discussion.)

Viper: "You know the main reason why my ex and I broke up"?

Me: *trying not to make eye contact while looking very, VERY busy*

Viper: "She got pregnant right after we first started dating. Honestly, I didn't know she was only 18 until the doctor at the abortion clinic told me she wasn't 23"

Me: *blink blink blink* *looking busy. looking busy*

Viper: "Seriously, she told me she was 23 and when she got her abortion I found out she was only 18. Isn't that crazy".

Me: *come on phone. ring. come one someone. ask for help. come on come on come on".

Viper: "I don't really believe in abortions, but she had done it without me. She called me when the doctor was finished to come pick her up and that's when the doctor told me she was only 18. I was so upset she got the abortion".

Me: *in my head: you're upset about the ABORTION, but not about the fact that she BOLD FACE LIED to your ass about her age?*

Viper: "We broke up because the abortion was too much for me. I stayed with her for a while, but ended up getting wasted and going off on her about the whole thing".

The End.

The thing about Viper is that he already ~~thinks~~ knows I'm a bitch, so it should be clear to him that he needs to just stay away from me. I don't understand why he continues to speak to me at all, let alone about his 23 18 year old girl friend who had an abortion. Maybe he's trying to get my sympathy, but really he's just pushing me more towards adding "get a restraining order" on my list of things to do.

Nyuk-Nyuk-Nyuk

2010-10-28T14:42:00.001-05:00

It's never a dull moment around here, y'all. The ~~Three~~ Four Stooges provide so much fodder, it would be impossible for me to capture it all here. The last time I wrote about My Stooges, it was to tell y'all about Howard's most ultimate horrible day.

Today, two of them have upped the ante in a way that can probably never, ever again be beat.

First, let me back track a little bit. Several months ago the Three Stooges moved down to Texas from Michigan via Chicago. A short while after they moved here they had a friend come down to visit...and he never went back. He's in our same line of business and started working for a big bank. He hated it and at the end of September, he migrated over to where we are, so now I have Four Stooges. For purposes of this here blog, we'll refer to him as The Dewster. I've been using the other three's last names, but The Dewster's name is sort of like mine - uncommon.

Okay, back to How The Bar Was Raised So High That Nobody Will Ever Surpass It:

I don't know if I ever mentioned this here, but in June, two of the four decided that they were going to take a vacation and head back up north to Michigan to hang out with friends. Their vacation lasted through September. Yeah. They can "work" from anywhere, really.

So they came back and both of them (Roy & Kozul) decided that they wanted to actually just move back up to Michigan and telecommute from there. Boss Man has no issues with this as long as they are producing, so yesterday, the two of them set out on their road trip home. They had Roy's Envoy packed down with all the stuff they wanted to move back. They came here with little to nothing (their both late 20's and single, so they don't really have "things"), so there was no need for an actual U-Haul to get them home.

Sometime yesterday afternoon, Kozul updated his facebook status to say "Check engine light came on in Royce City, TX. I may just get a job as a bouncer and clean this town up, like Roadhouse".

Nobody really thought twice about it.

Three hours later he posted a picture of a car completely engulfed in flames. The caption read "The check engine light must mean 'car is about to explode'...shit".

Now, what I didn't know until I got into work was that when the check engine light came on, they pulled over and noticed that the car was leaking fluid. They found a "mechanic" who was covered from head to toe with grease. The guy said that he would get them "fixed up" so they could continue on. (Read: I have video footage of the mechanic, but can't post it right now)

Two hours later is when Kozul looked in the passenger side mirror and asked Roy if his blinker was on. It wasn't. What Kozul saw was the beginning of The Worst Road Trip Ever. They immediately pulled over and unloaded everything of value (with the exception of one digital camera) and stood there as Roy's Envoy literally exploded.

"KA-FUCKING-BOOOOOOM", as my Fab FIL would say.

At this point, I've talked to Kozul on the phone once, but him and Roy were "deliberating" as to what their next move should be. I sort of wished they took ideas from the audience because Howard and I both thought the smartest thing for them to do would be to find the closest airport to Sulpher Springs, Texas (the location of the explosion) and just buy a plane ticket back to Grand Rapids.

The Dewster just got off the phone with Kozul. They ended up renting a U-Haul to get back home. It's apparently easier to cross state lines with a U-Haul than it is to cross with a rental car.

Now, if laughing at this story is wrong, then baby, I don't wanna be right.

Really though, it makes me sad and a little worried. Three of the Four Stooges are younger than me and have, on more than one occasion referred to me as "okay, MOM" or "just like a big sister". Howard is the only one older than me by a few years and frankly, we're more alike than I ever would have thought.

Anybro, Roy is the most fragile out of the four of them. He's the guy who freaks out over everything and anything. I guess he's a lot like me too. Kozul is the "no, I'm not gay, I just look like it" guy (and if you're gay and reading this, that's not a dig, even your gaydar would go off on this peach). I don't think there's anything in life that he takes very seriously. The two of them together on an adventure like this is probably awful. Roy is probably all Pouty McPouterson and Kozul is probably all Krusty The Clownerson to try and lighten the mood, which will only piss Pouty McPouterson off even more.

There you have it. If you have a "bad day" story that can top this, write about it and send me the link! I dare you.

The Village Idiot

2010-10-26T16:41:00.000-05:00

Every Village has one. An idiot.

Our office also has a Village Idiot. Bless this guy's heart, but seriously. I've held off on posting about him because of the backlash I might get because he claims to have turrets syndrome as well as ADHD. I want to be clear that I'm not dogging him for that.

The thing is, this guys is just a nerve rider. You know, one of those people who generally means well most of the time, but gets on your last dying nerve the second he comes into view and/or opens his mouth.

For blogging purposes we'll refer to our Village Idiot as "Viper". Not because that's a name I made up. It's supposedly a nick name he had in college. He claims to have attended Texas A&M University, which I'm not sure is true. I'm not sure how he could have completed 4 or more years of college since he has the attention span of a gnat, but what do I know? I'm a Community College drop out, sort of like Kanye West.

Anyimmaletyoufinish, Viper was hired back in April. When he was first hired he walked in with a list of demands a mile long. Some of which were: "pay my cell phone bill" and "I want an assistant". When he brought these things to Boss Man, Boss Man basically told him "show me you can produce and we'll revisit these".

If I remember correctly, Viper didn't put his first loan into the system until mid-June, while another person who started the day before him was already closing loans. In other words, he was doing nothing. He wasn't producing, therefore he wasn't going to get any of his wish list items. He continued to hound Boss Man until Boss Man finally pulled him into a closed door meeting (with me) and verbally reprimanded him for lack of production. I had to be in the room during their conversation for witness purposes. Since he has these disorders, there has to be a third person in the room so that "discrimination" can't be claimed.

During this meeting, Boss Man told Viper that he needed to start working from the office. Prior to this meeting he had been "working" from home which wasn't working out. Viper then chimed in and told Boss Man how he just doesn't feel comfortable coming into the office because nobody likes him. He proceeded to tell Boss Man, in front of me that I was "sort of a bitch". Boss Man literally laughed in his face and told Viper that I'm generally easy to get along with and I have a sarcastic tone. He told Viper that if he takes it personally, it's his issue.

After that meeting, Viper started showing up to the office a few days a week. He would come in around 2:00 and leave around 3:15. I should also tell you that it takes a good 15 minutes to get our laptops booted up from being powered all the way down. This means he was "working" for an hour about 2 or 3 days a week.

The next few months, Viper continues to be less than productive. Boss Man talks to him again and tells him that he wants him in the office Monday through Friday from at least 11:00 to 4:00.

The following week he comes in all five days. The weeks that follow he comes in only on the days that Boss Man is actually in the office (1-2 days give or take) and still only makes it in for about 2 hours. Clearly, this is not what he was instructed to do by his supervisor.

Boss Man has another talk with Viper. He explains that the only way he {Viper} will be successful is if he's consistent. Showing up a few hours a week isn't generating any revenue for him {Viper} or the office. This was the last conversation Boss Man had with him. Ever since then, Viper has come in nearly everyday, but now when he's here, all he does is talk. Talk. Talk. Talk.

Now, I know I'm chatty. I have no problems admitting that, but here at work, I generally only talk if I'm talked to first. I'm not shy around here, but I know that we all have shit that needs to be done and farbeitfrom me to clog up every one's day with nonsense.

If Viper was talking about work, I think I would understand, but that's not the case. When Viper is here, he talks about five things: Hot tubs, Drinking, His crazy diet that consists of only shakes and smoothies, His workout and his "hot" 19 year old ex-girlfriend. He was born in 1969. You do the math.

Day in and day out this is what we have to listen to for at least 2 hours a day. People in the office mock him to his face and he's absolutely clueless. Poor Viper just thinks he's fitting in with the young people (the average age in our office for people who are here everyday is 34) because they speak back to him, but he never shuts up.

Ever.

When he's not speaking, he's doing push-ups in his cubicle or playing games on his phone with his feet propped up. It's sickening, really.

It's gotten to the point that people in the office are shoving those purple, foamy ear plugs into their ears when he's here. Those don't work either because Viper will just walk over to them and start talking, forcing them to take the ear plugs out.

We've tried using the "tag-team" method which is if Viper is talking to one of us for more than just a minute, another one of us will walk up to the victim and asks a work related question that involves a lot of research and attention, forcing Viper back to his hole to do push-ups for another 5 minutes or so.

Another thing I have an issue with is his hygiene. Now, we all know that Austin is chalk full of hippies that don't bathe, but generally, those hippies don't work in this line of business. Viper strolls in wearing the same clothes everyday he works. In the last four weeks I've seen him in 3 different shirts (one a week, on rotation). I'm all about double wearing jeans, but that's only if they're still relatively clean. Viper's shirts have pit-stains the size of the Potomac. They never look clean and always look like he's just picked it up off of his closet floor. His hair hasn't been cut in months so the over-growth on the back of his neck is gnarly and he sweats like a...I don't know...He sweats a lot. He's constantly got sweat dripping from his brow.

Our dress code here is "business casual" and some days we take it more to the "casual" level than the "business", but he wears jeans everyday and his shirts all look like a polo shirt except they have all sorts of writing and whatnot on them - sort of like something you would see a high school teenager wearing.

It's just out of control. When customer's come into our office, it's embarrassing to have him walk into the conference room when there are other people in the office wearing slacks and nicely pressed shirts.

Now, take all of this and add the cherry on top: the sound of a cross between a duck quacking and a woman moaning as she reaches the big O. That's the noise he makes about every 5th word. I know it's his turrets, but it just makes things more awkward.

Overall, he's not a good fit for our office at all. Boss Man knows this and has acknowledged it on numerous occasions, but there is nothing that can be done. As long as Viper is meeting minimum expectations for the company, he will work here.

Boss Man is afraid he'll claim discrimination.

Because Think Tank Momma Wanted to Know

2010-10-13T14:57:00.001-05:00

Brandi, over at Think Tank Momma wrote a post today that made me giggle. I laughed because I can totally relate, and I’m not talking about toddler freak-outs or anything like that. I’m talking about the vocabulary of McKenna. She says things on a daily basis that cause us to stop and literally say “um, did she just say that”? Or “where did she come up with that”?

In Brandi’s post she talked about several words and phrases that her children have butchered or mashed up when they started talking and how those words and phrases have stuck like glue with the family.

Another thing that Brandi mentioned, that I completely related to was that her and her husband never spoke to their children in baby talk. My husband and I didn’t either. We’ve always talked to her like she was one of us. A grown person who could understand our verbiage. Sure, there were times when we would throw in some goo-goo-gaa-gaa, but for the most part, we’ve always talked to her like a grown up. Now, with that said, her vocabulary and level of speaking are what I believe to be above and beyond many children her age. This makes My Husband and I happy and it also freaks people out a little, to hear such complete sentences and big words come out of such a tiny being.

Anybragging, Brandi’s post prompted me to tell you guys some of the funny things that have come out of McKenna’s mouth along with some of the words she uses that she puts her own spin on.

Let’s get started, shall we?

The McKenna Lexicon

Holejew – This is what she says when she wants me to hold her. I’m guessing that it came from me saying “do you want me to hold you” because when she wants me to hold her she says it like she wants to hold me.

Bomeboppateet – Bon appétit. Look, I never said she excelled in French, y’all.

Grumpa – GRANDpa. My dad isn’t a grump, y’all.

Shin – Lotion. I guess she developed lazy speak at a young age. I think she also says “totes” instead of totally. Coincidentally, I couldn’t say lotion either when I was a baby, but I called it wowie. Yeah, I got nothing.

Saw – as in, “dood you saw that, mommy”? (“did you see that mommy”?) Conjugating verbs is not her forte.

Dood – a form of did that she made up on her own.

Haded – as in, “I haded a bad day, mommy”.

Packinyode – Packing a load. Yeah, something my Fab FIL taught her when she wasn’t even two yet. He was keeping her for a week while we were in Vegas and he taught her that she needed to inform him that she had a shitty diaper. He couldn’t teach her to say something normal. No. That would have been to easy. For months after we picked her up from Opa’s house she would announce her dirty diapers by saying “I’m packinyode, mommy”…

Recent Conversations with McKenna
(I can’t make these up, y’all. Ask anyone who knows us)

*On the way home from school*
Me: How was your day?
McKenna: *SIGH* I haded a bad day…
Me: What happened?
McKenna: We were playing outside and I haded to drop a deuce in the outside bathroom.
Me: Whaaaaaat???
McKenna: And my friends gived me a headache…

*Bathtime*
Me: Mack, stand still so I can rinse your hair.
McKenna: Put the shower down, mommy. You’re not smart enough.
Me: I’m out. Good luck getting your hair rinsed.

*Hanging out with my sister*
My Sister (Lisa): Helena, do you have the remote?
Helena: No
McKenna: Auntie Lisa, DON’T PANIC

*Story told to me one day when I picked her up from school*
McKenna: How was school today, Ms. Caitlyn (read: Ms. Caitlyn is a teacher at her school who goes to school in the mornings)
Ms. Caitlyn: It was good. I don’t think I did very well on my test though.
McKenna: *rubbing Ms. Caitlyn’s arm* We’ll get through this, Ms. Caitlyn. We’ll get through this.

*Another school story*
Teacher: *reading a book* We don’t eat off the floor like the mouse in the book does, right?
McKenna: I do!
Teacher: Do your mommy and daddy eat off the floor too?
McKenna: No. My daddy eats on the couch naked.

Now, I should tell y’all that we eat all of our meals at our kitchen table. With clothes on.

If any of you reading this have a McKenna story, let me know about it and I’ll post it (because I know the story, but I don’t remember to write about them). I should be doing a better job of keeping track of this stuff anyway. I want to be able to bring it up when she brings her fiancé over for Christmas dinner in 30 years!

Who Falls For That?

2010-10-05T15:53:00.001-05:00

So, this is going to primarily going to be a picture post, but I had lunch with Amanda today (New Assistant) and it was just like old times! I miss that girl like whoa, but she didn’t disappoint and leave me with no laughs! We chatted about a ton of things, but she was telling me about how she was staying at this swanky country club here in Austin for a work function (for three days and two nights – really, the new job sound rough). At said swanky club, she got a massage (free of charge – again, rough life). During her story about the massage, she said (and I quote) “I swear to you she had to have seen my cho-cha”. I about choked on my burrito bowl and asked her “well, didn’t you leave your panties on”? Because really, I’ve had a massage or two and I always leave my underoos on. Always. Let’s be honest here – we all know that underoos aren’t that obtrusive.

Anynekkid, she got down to the buff because (and I quote again) “she said it would feel better if I was all the way naked”.

Who falls for that?

Then she told me that the masseuse was lifting her legs one at a time and bending them in different positions. Seriously. Her last sentence was “well, it wasn’t mind blowing. Like, I’m not all ‘I have to have a massage everyday’ or anything, but she was totally probably an old lady perv”…

And that, my friends, is why I love that girl! She calls ‘em like she sees ‘em!

And now, some pictures for your viewing pleasure!

This is a standard “McKenna, smile!” pose.The original raw picture of this sewing machine is awful, but I was able to edit it and make it look awesome!Jessica turned 22 on the 25th. Her “cake” was a plastic wrapped little debbie brownie with a shot of “the general” shoved into the center. It’s about to go dowwwwwwn the hatch!These two make the cutest couple, so I thought I would make Dearest look like a Zombie. He’s the happiest zombie I’ve ever seen! The next set of pictures are pretty self explanatory, I think! The water in the river looks pretty sick, but it’s awesome in person! While I was making Dearest a happy zombie, I decided to make McKenna into a zombie too!

Our First Weekend

2010-10-04T11:54:00.001-05:00

We had an amazing first weekend in our new abode! I woke up on Saturday morning and walked right outside, to the edge of the yard so I could see and hear the river! I watched a guy on the other side load up his little boat with his fishing gear and his son and take off. At that moment I realized that life is SOOOOo good!

After My Husband left to run into town to begin the hunt for some spare bedroom furniture, I gave Mack a bath and headed into town myself. I need to run to Wal-Mart for a few whozits and whatnots. On the way there I called Jessica to give her the lowdown on how things were going. While I was on the phone with her, I managed to get lost, but find my way fairly quickly. See, in this Small Town, there are a few major arteries that run in and around it. Well, these arteries also have names to correlate with their numbers, like, here in Austin we have Mopac, but it can also be called Loop 1. Ben White is also 71 - -It’s like that, so I just need to remember what street name correlates with the highway number and I’ll be juuuuuuuust fine.

After leaving Wal-Mart, I headed home and unloaded the whozits and whatnots while McKenna played outside with My Husband. Can I just pause for a hot minute and tell y’all that she has played outside more in the last 4 days than she was ever able to at our old home in the last almost-4-years? She is a Barbie Jeep Driving, Bicycle with Training Wheels pedalin’, Scooter pushing FOOL, y’all! Between her and Rusty The Wonder Wiener Dog, I’m not sure who’s more excited. Rusty just sniffs and sniffs and rolls around and sniffs all the live long day! – While she tore up the driveway My Husband and I enjoyed some cold beer and laughs!

Saturday night my SIL and BIL came over with my niece and nephew! That’s NEVER happened before! My Husband grilled some chicken and pork chops while the kids went non-stop in the yard. My niece spent the night with McKenna (dear Lord, I need more patience or xanex if this is going to be a regular thing – hell, send enough for two. I’ll need to share with my SIL). I figured that since they played so hard, they would both crash hard, but…no such luck. I bought stuff so they could help me make rice krispie treats and they had NO interest. They didn’t even eat the finished product. It was way past their bed time by the time they passed out.

Sunday morning, My Husband was the hero and made Mickey Mouse waffles for everyone! My BIL came by to pick up my niece and the rest of the day was spent just hanging out! My parents came by for a few hours to check the place out and “see where McKenna lives”, my Fab FIL and NEMIL stopped by, my Princess (Mr. W to KrisKay) came over and one of the neighbors stopped by to drop of a National Night Out Block Party flyer. Even with all the visitors we still just lazed around the house! It felt so nice to not be on the go. At one point, My Husband asked if I was bored. I was a tad bit, but trust me when I say I can really get used to the slow paced life!

I’m still not bothered by the commute at all, and today I took McKenna to her new school and I still made it to work before 8:30. Piece of cake. I actually enjoy the alone time in my car (while actually travelling more than 6 MPH).

*If anyone wants to give me some writing ideas, I’ll gladly take them! I’m sure you are all sick of hearing about moving, packing, unpacking, river living and driving…

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Finally, Loni @ Land of Loni is the lucky winner of the Seventh Generation Let’s Talk Period. Giveaway! Congrats, Loni!!!

A Little A This & A Little A That

2010-10-01T14:48:00.001-05:00

Let’s see…I’m not sure how to even start this post. Let’s just do this…Agenda Style!

1) The Move:
The move is complete! There a re a few odds and ends at the Austin house that I need to swing by and pick up, but it’s nothing we can’t live without. Most of it will probably end up in the trash. My Husband and the movers took everything to the new house on Tuesday and he had been there all by his lonesome (well, and the dog) unpacking and organizing. I missed the shit out of that guy (well, and the dog) and last night I finally got to rendezvous with him! I left Austin at 3:45 in the afternoon and it took me exactly an hour to get home! It wasn’t quite rush hour, but traffic here usually starts backing up at 2:00PM, you know, when the morning rush hour finally starts breaking up?

I was so excited to get there and just look at everything! I’m in love! The house is older and since it’s a rent house it has it’s quirks, but ultimately, this house is perfect for us! The wallpaper in the kitchen and breakfast nook are my least favorite things about the house. The best part of the house is the fact that The River is IN OUR BACKYARD, y’all! That’s right! The Guadalupe is just at the end of my yard, complete with steps to get down there! Also, our yard (both front and back) are HUGE compared to our yard in Austin! McKenna wanted to “go for a long walk” last night and what she really meant was “mom, walk with me to the street, down the driveway”. I’m not kidding you, we can fit about 10 cars or more in our driveway! It’s a dream!

After I had been home for about an hour, the door bell rang and Opa (my Fab FIL) was at the door! We now live about 10 minutes away from them! Then, after about 15 minutes of visiting with him in the front yard, out of the corner of my eye I see a golf cart barreling down the street toward our house. Aunt K & F’n B (well, and their dogs) were coming down to see us! They live about 5 houses down the street so we’ll see a lot of them, I’m sure.

Over all, McKenna was wound up last night. She wanted to just wander around the house and yard and just check everything out.

2) The Commute:
For those of you wondering about my new commute, it’s AMAZING! I know I’ve really only done it once last night and once this morning, but honestly, it’s not bad at all! It took me an hour and a half to get from my driveway to my parking garage. Also, this is AFTER a detour because of shenanigans that forced the police to shut the interstate down. I really think that I’m going to enjoy the drive. Before it was taking me an hour and a half to get home and my home was 25 miles away. I was literally STOPPED on the highway for about an hour of that drive every day, both directions.

3) Wednesday:
I went with my Friend Melanie to have some beers at Little Woodrow’s. It’s always a good time when I get to hang out with her. Not only is she one of my closest friends, she’s also my photographer! She’s amazingly talented and just a great person, in general! If you’re in the Austin area and are looking for a photographer for your baby, HIT.HER.UP! Anyad, we had such a great time! We laughed a TON and stayed out wayyyyy too late (well, past my bedtime anyway)! Her and I have the type of friendship where we can pick up where we left off and finish each other’s sentences, including the excitable expressions that we use when we get excited! I gigantic-pink-puffy heart her!

(warning: if you click this, you might smile)

3) Football:
Last week was a horrible game. We got slaughtered by UCLA (of all teams) and it wasn’t pretty. I’m hoping that last week the Longhorns were looking past the Bruins and thinking of this weeks game, leaving them caught off guard. I knew going into this season that it was going to be a tough one. All of our seniors graduated so we’re basically starting fresh. I don’t care about losing, because I know there are better teams out there. It’s just that there are TWO teams I always want us to smoke. 1) Texas Tech – their fans/students are really asshole-y. Two years ago Tech beat us on their field and their students rushed the field before the game was even over. There wasn’t a penalty for them doing that and it was just stupid. 2) OU – The Red River Shoot Out (now called the Red River Rivalry). We play them every year, at the Cotton Bowl (actually, next year I think they’re moving it to Jimmy’s World). Anyhow, this is one of those games that keeps the shit talking at a maximum for an entire year. They hate us, we hate them, it’s all pretty even as far as that goes. The game always comes down to who plays better and who has the better Offense. I just want to beat them. I want the Longhorns to beat them every year. The current standings are OU – 40 | Texas – 59. If you do the math, you’ll realize that tomorrow is the 100th game!

I just want a W! Click for credits!

It’s 3:02PM and OU Still Sucks… Hook ‘Em!

I’ve Got The Music In Me

2010-09-29T17:02:00.001-05:00

I’m not sure how many of you love music, but this is totally a music lover’s post!

Yesterday before I left work, I decided to make me a new “traffic” playlist. You know, the music that will get me through the 25 miles I drive going 10 MPH or less on the way home from work. When I have a good playlist, the constant braking or asshole drivers don’t bother me as much. It makes my little world (inside my car) go round.

Yesterday’s playlist was a bunch of songs that I was just craving. Yes. I crave music. Sometimes I’ll be sitting somewhere or nowhere and I’ll just think to myself “I really want/need to hear *insert rad song title here*”. The luxury of today is that I can open iTunes on my phone and download it right away. Instant gratification! Several years ago I would have to go to Best Buy, hunt for a CD that should have been in alphabetical order by genre only to find that they only have zero copies left, get in my car, drive to the next CD Gettin’ Place where they have the CD I want for $5 more than Best Buy AND I couldn’t even use my employee discount at this other place so I would fork over the extra money just to hear that one song. Suck.

Anyhow, when I was ~~driving north on~~ parked on MoPac yesterday I was listening to all these great songs and I realized how much music has affected my life. Like, I can hear a song and it can take me back to this one particular moment in my life that I’ll never forget. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast on Monday, but if I hear Head Over Heals I remember listening to that song during the summer of 2002. I was driving my 2001 Ford Explorer with Stefanie in the passenger seat. We were trying to park down town near The Drag so we could go shopping. I got a parking ticket from campus police that I never paid.

See? Songs make me remember things.

I’m going to tell y’all some of my favorite songs ever (in no particular order) and tell you what they remind me of or why I love them. I would love it if you would share your favorites with me too! I’m always curious to know what other people listen to!

Jenn B’s Fabulous Favorites

Freeze Frame Time – Brandon Rhyder
The lyrics to this song seriously rock me to my core. It is SO my life right now (except I have a daughter, not a son).
Thunder Road – Bruce Springsteen
Dad. That’s what this song reminds me of. My dad used to play this for me on his guitar ALL THE TIME. That maroon guild guitar will always be my favorite.
Let it Be – The Beatles
I was talking to Stefanie about this song today. I’ve always been fan of The Beatles, but when I listen to this song, it just makes me really think about the things I’m stressing out about. It makes me remember that I can’t control most of what happens in life and that I literally just need to let it be. The words of this song speak to me in a way that the pills I take can’t. It helps me.
Seventy Times 7 – Brand New (Band)
This song reminds me of so damn much. Primarily, when I was going through my divorce. I saw them live many, many times and those were all such fun shows, but really, this song is what I consider my “angry song”. This is the song that I turn on and crank up, to be sure that anyone and everyone within a 45 foot radius can hear each and every word. Loud.and.Clear. The lyrics aren’t really profound as much as they are just snarky as all hell.
Red Sun – The Fricks
Yeah, maybe I’m cheating a little bit, but this song was written by my dad and recorded by his band. The lyrics of this song have so much to do with my childhood. My dad’s best friend dying in a helicopter accident, his cousin fighting in Vietnam and then fighting addiction and the law and his days as a medic in New Mexico. I’ll never forget the day that Tim died and I couldn’t have been but about 4 or 5 years old.
New Mexico Rain – Michael Hearn (covered BETTER {in my opinion} by The Fricks)
Because no matter how you slice it, I’m proud to be a Texan (“I wasn’t born here, but I got here as fast as I could”), but I’ll always be a New Mexican. Plus, It’s hot down in Texas
Three LIttle Birds – Bob Marley
This is another one of those “make me feel good” songs. This would go into the Let It Be category for sure! The lyrics to this song couldn’t get any more simple, so I feel like this is a song that everyone could love to listen to.
Good Day for the Blues – Storyville
Storyville is a local band that broke up a few years ago. Storyville and Malford Milligan will forever have a place in my heart. When we moved to Austin, I was 14, my dad thought the only way to help me adjust to the move was to take me out to see some live music. It turned into an almost weekly event for dad and I to hit up downtown, typically Antone’s for a show. Enter Storyville, the most amazing blues|rock band in the history of Austin (as far as I’m concerned). It’s not just their music, it was them. Malford Milligan was the most interesting person I had ever laid my eyes on. He’s an albino black man who can just blow. Man! David Grissom, the lead guitarist is also one of the most amazing performers I’ve seen. Nothing compares to his skill. I’ll never forget the time my dad and I stood in front of him, at the front of the stage for the entire stage. It was like he was playing for me. It was like my dad had a talk with him and said “look, music makes her happy and I don’t think she’s happy here”. Chris Layton and Tommy Shannon, the drummer and bassist, respectively also played in Double Trouble (Stevie Ray Vaughn’s band) so…just an awesome live show. - This song was written by David Grissom and is one of my favorites from them.

I could go on and on! Maybe I’ll make this a monthly thing. I would love to hear what you guys are listening to and what your favorites are! Maybe we can turn this into a *gasp* meme or something! If I get enough comments, we’ll see how we can work it out!

On Facebook “Friends”

2010-09-28T10:01:00.001-05:00

Alternately titled : The one where I wasn’t really the bigger person and I get it off my chest…

This will be the one and only time I rant like this about Facebook

We all have facebook, right? Well, this means that we also have those friends that we’re not really friends with anymore because well, time has passed and people change. This doesn’t mean we don’t like them or don’t want to be friends with them anymore, it just means that you get older and things in your life take you on to (hopefully) bigger and better things. Most people don’t take this personally, but for some reason, other’s do.

On Friday one of my former co-workers, whom I was particularly close to at one point in my life wrote on a mutual friend’s wall:

Former Co-Worker: Hey! Just wanted to say hi! When are you going to get your husband on FB?

I commented on that and said “I can’t imagine a world with her husband on FB, but I couldn’t ever imagine my parents on FB either. See you tonight Mutual Friend”

That’s it. She mentioned something and I wanted to interject. Nothing wrong with that, right?

Well, several hours later I had a private message that said “What’s your deal? I wasn’t talking to you”.

I immediately responded and said:

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, other than the fact that you commented on a mutual friend’s page and I interjected. Had it been something private or something you didn’t want other people to respond to, you maybe should have sent her a private message.

I would be able to understand your harshness or rudeness if I had said something offensive in any way. I didn’t and I never have.

I’m not sure why you’ve got such a chip on your shoulders for me, and for that I’m sorry. It seems like you’re the one who might have a “deal”, especially if you’ve been keeping something inside regarding me that you’re not telling me about. That wouldn’t be my “deal” it would be yours.

As long as things are public on FB I will continue to comment if I feel like I have something to say. I’m not going to hide because I see it’s from you because 1) I’ve given you no reason to be upset with me and 2) if you want it to just be between you and the other person, send a message.

It sounds like things are going pretty rough in your life with your brother and your husband’s co-worker, and maybe that’s why you’re upset. I can’t control those things and I’m sorry you’re going through them.

In any case, whatever it was that I specifically did to piss in your cheerios, I can’t apologize for because I’m not sure what it was. If I was clearly in the wrong, I would be the first to admit it”.

When all this happened, I was so confused. We worked together a few years ago and I was close enough to her to have her read in my fucking wedding. We don’t talk like we used to, but I attributed it to the fact that we’ve both had kids and changed jobs. That was it. The last time I saw her was at the Art Auction for AFED last year. I spoke with her a bit, but I was busy, you know, making sure the auction was moving smoothly. I didn’t have time to catch up, but I let her know that the iron cross that her dad had donated was going to be purchased by My Husband and I because we loved it.

Anylame, she responded:

“Maybe you should think about how you word things because you always come across (when commenting on my posts) as “knowing better” or “knowing it all”. I don’t care if you comment but lose the “Know it All” attitude. I’m not trying to be harsh or rude and I’m sorry it came across that way.

Excuse me, but I do not, nor have I never had a chip on my shoulders. I have no reason to. And well you wouldn’t really know how things are going in my life since you never keep in touch. Not that you asked (or even cared), but my brother is doing well. I’m not sure why you are attacking him. I didn’t even know you knew my brother was sick considering you never so much as said any words of comfort. I can only pray that you’ll never have to deal with it with your family member. Also my husband wanted me to inform you that all the guys at the PD are coping and doing their best to get back to normal. My husband should resume training on the bike once the new one comes in.

So you say you have given me no reason for me to be upset with you? Let’s ponder this for a moment.. You used me as a “friend of convenience” to be a poem reader in your wedding (which I was more than honored to do) and then you dropped me like a fly. I went to your baby shower sick as a dog, brought you a gift and never got so much as a thank you. You didn’t even come to my baby shower!

All these years I have wondered I have done to “piss in your cheerios”.”

After she sent this message she deleted and blocked me so I was never given the opportunity to respond. I don’t care that she deleted me. That’s one less small minded “everyone needs to hate Obama and be republican” status update I have to deal with. I don’t care that we’re not friends on FB or in real life anymore. What I do care about is the fact that she’s going to send some shit like she did and not give me the opportunity to give her my business.

If I would have been able to respond, it would have gone something like this:

I’m sorry you think that I “know everything”. Maybe it’s my ability (or inability) to use a sarcastic tone online. Maybe it’s that most people who actually know me can sense the sarcastic tone, even online and you and your dry as a bone sense of humor can’t.

I’m really sorry you think I was “attacking” your brother. I hardly think that what I said was an “attack” of any kind. I should have expected you to say something like that because being the victim is your favorite past-time.

I’m really, really sorry that you think you were used as a “friend of convenience”. You and I were close friends for quite some time prior to me asking you to read in my wedding. Maybe you mistook the fact that I left the office we were working in to take a better position within the company outside of that office for dropping you “like a fly”. You would think that you would understand that since you left the same office a few months after I did to take the position that mirrored mine at another location.

I’m really, really, really sorry that you left your house while you were sick to come to my baby shower 4 fucking years ago. I don’t believe I forced you to come. Thank you for the gift that you gave me. We loved it and couldn’t wait to use the hell out of it. I’m pretty sure the Thank You note I mailed you said something like that.

I’m really, really, really, really sorry that I didn’t go to your baby shower. Maybe if you would stop and think about someone other than yourself for just about 15 seconds, you would remember that I was weeks post partum, dealing with my life, a new baby and bells fucking palsy. Your baby shower was the last and furthest thing on my mind when I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was diagnosed with PPD. How could I have been so selfish?

The End.

*The mutual friend has a blog, but I chose not to link to her. She doesn’t need to be involved in this bullshit drama.

8 Days 22 Hours 51 Minutes 20 Seconds

2010-09-16T11:08:00.001-05:00

The countdown is on.

Jenn B Is Awesome

This means that I have ^^that much time^^ to finish packing my house. Luckily My Husband can work when he chooses, so he’s going to pack everything that’s left next week during the day and I’ll help in the evenings.

The next few weeks are going to be a blur for me. We’ve got so much going on, and all over the place it’s going to be hard to keep up. Here’s a list of happenings that take place over the next two weeks (read: I will probably miss a lot of them):

9/18: Visit Little Cousin who just had a baby. She lives about an hour or so north of Austin.
*9/18: Head an hour SOUTH of Austin for the 1st Birthday of Seton Medical Center Hays (see below for more info)
9/18: Make a birthday gift for a friend’s daughter (Wolf Pack, shut up. My mom said she WANTS my craft)
9/19: Pack and organize boxes
9/19: Laundry Day! (read: yes, we have an entire day devoted to laundry once a week)
9/20-9/24: Pack and go nuts because I can’t find anything I need to use because it’s all in boxes
9/24: Family Camping Trip!
9/25: AFED Garage Sale at Cheryl’s House to raise money for the 2nd Annual AFED Art Auction
9/25: Jessica’s Birthday/Party @ said camping trip mentioned above
9/26: Last minute Shove Whatever Is Left Into Boxes Day
9/27: Southbound to sign the paperwork
9/27: Wait for Cable Guy to show up to set up our cable/internet and telephone. I have an 8-12 window, but I won’t hold my breath
9/27: Drive back to Austin and make sure every.thing.is.packed and stacked neatly in the garage.
9/28: The movers come to move us away while I’m at work
9/28-9/30: Live at my parents house {without My Husband :(} out of a duffle bag so McKenna can finish out her school week.
9/30: Spend my first night in our new place in Small Town, Texas
10/1: Have my parents out for the weekend so they can ~~help unpack~~ see the place
10/2: Buy shit for the new house. You know we’ll need something.
10/2: Hopefully be unpacked enough to have KrisKay, Mr. W {aka My Princess) & K³ over for a cold beer
10/3: Say auf wiedersehen to my parents and try to resume a normal “school night” in Small Town, Texas
10/4: Shuttle McKenna to my SIL’s house at 6:30 in the morning so she can take the girls to school. McKenna’s first day at her new school and I’ll miss it because I’ve got to hit the road.
10/4: Commute from Small Town, Texas to Austin for work.

*If you’re in the Austin Area, I highly recommended you stop by the Seton Medical Center Hays 1st Birthday Celebration! My personal photographer {warning: If you click that link, your uterus will ache} (yeah, I have a car guy AND a photographer) who happens to be one of my most amazing friends is also the Site Mom for SetonBabyTalk.com. She’ll be there, talking to the masses about the great site they run for parents. There’s also going to be a ton of other stuff going on, like discounted flu shots, hearing, vision and glucose screening and lots and LOTS of professionals from the Medical Center! They’ll also have a job fair so if you’re seeking employment, this would be a great opportunity for you to find something you’ll just love!

Someone pass me a Xanex and a chilled bottle of Moscato.

On Finding The Perfect Match

2010-09-14T10:14:00.001-05:00

Well, the move is in full swing. Our house went on the market on September 3rd and has been shown a total of 5 times. We have 2 offers, which is FABULOUS news. Most homes in our area stay on the market for months at a time because the neighborhood we live in is still building new homes, so this is a big deal for us. The house two doors down just sold about two weeks ago after being on the market for more than 6 full months.

For the last two weeks, we’ve been purging and packing. Labeling every box with specific lists of items to be more organized. Throwing out everything we haven’t touched in 6 months and stuffing contractor bags full of items to be sold at the AFED Garage Sale at the end of the month. I have to admit, My Husband has done the bulk of the packing. He gets home a few hours prior to me, so he’ll box up a room or a closet when he gets home. I half think he does it when I’m not there so I can’t physically see what he’s getting rid of, but the other half of me knows he’s doing it while he’s home alone so he can just get it done and over with.

We’re sort of at a stand still with it all though. Winter clothes have been packed, miscellaneous kitchen items have been boxed up and most of our wall decor has been loaded into cardboard boxes wrapped in green bubble wrap. Everything that’s left is what we use on a very regular basis. Most of our house is going to be last-minute-packed because I can’t just pack up the stuff I use everyday this far in advance.

Aside from purging and packing, we’ve been looking for a new (used) commuter car for me to take back and fourth to work everyday. The mandatory qualifications for said used vehicle are as follows: 1) Must get more than 30 miles per gallon on the highway. 2) See # 1.

So far, I’ve test driven a 2002 Jetta (diesel) that gets up to 45 MPG on the highway. It was a piece of shit, but my car guy (yes, we have a car guy. Everyone should have their own car guy!) had the best of intentions. Then, our car guy found me a 2003 Jetta (gasoline). This one was in way better condition, clean on the inside and the outside. Lower miles than the first Jetta and none of the rattle-bang-pop noises.

I picked it up from his (car guy) house on Friday after work. The gas light was on so I filled it up with a whopping $33.00. I drove it to Small Town the next day and back on Sunday where I filled up when I got home in Austin. I calculated my mileage and that cute little Jetta with the sun roof and clean interior only got me 22 MPG. I was a little heart broken, but really, if we’re going to pay cash for something, it needs to be able to pay itself off rather quickly. It makes no sense to drop a few thousand dollars on something that only gets 4-5 MPG more than what I’m currently driving (we’re not getting rid of my Nitro).

So, plan A & B have both been nixed. We’re still on the hunt for something, but we’re not in a huge rush. My Nitro is a perfectly fine vehicle to drive anywhere in, it will just be expensive if I’m filling up 2-3 times a week at $50+ each time.

This morning, My Husband called and had me pull up a craigslist ad. It’s a 2000 VW Beetle. Cute as hell. Fully loaded, leather, sunroof, lower than average miles and DIESEL (this is a big deal – the fuel is more expensive but you get more bang for your buck with more than 35 MPG). Also, the asking price is more than $1000 less than what we were already planning on spending. The person who put the ad up used the term “OBO”, so knowing My Husband, we could end up with a cute little beetle that the guy paid us to take!

Before any of you get your big girl panties in a bunch, My Husband knows everything about anything, including but not limited to cars, trucks, tractors, heavy equipment and Barbie Jeeps. We’re not going to buy something that isn’t in good working condition and we’re not going to buy anything that will require him to tear it apart and put it back together. He’s awesome like that.

This is also the reason why I’m not getting my hopes up. He is incredibly picky and meticulous when he’s shopping for things like this and I can’t blame him. Can I be a girl who wants something really bad, but then gets all sad like a little puppy when I can’t have it because OMG there’s a fucking hose missing that controls something really important? Of course. But I love him and I love that he knows everything about anything!

With all that said, tell me what you drive. What kind of gas mileage do you get and how far do you travel every day? I’m guessing we’ll be on the hunt for a vehicle for a few more weeks, so I’m seeking out ideas! Really, the only thing we’ve ruled out is anything Saturn because they’ve stopped making them which would make finding parts for repairs in the future a pain in the ass as well as expensive!

Meet Janna!

2010-09-13T07:00:00.001-05:00

This week I want to introduce you to one of my URL friends turn to IRL friend! Janna and I connected through the walls of social media (imagine that). We had several things in common and ultimately it was that we both reside in Austin, Texas that made things come full circle! Janna is super sweet and she has a great story to tell about her journey through life, weight loss and everything in between! Be sure to show her some lovin' and get to know her more!

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Jenn B likes me :)

I am so honored that she would ask me to do a guest post on her blog! So I guess that means I have to tell you a little about myself…

My name is Janna and I am on a journey. Isn’t life always a journey?

When I started my blog back in October of 2008, it was all based on a poem that a friend had sent over to help brighten my day.

What do I like to blog about?

My Life-The GOOD, The BAD and THE UGLY! It all goes in!
Reese
My 3 Days I have done 4 and #5 is in October!
My Weigh Loss Journey
Weight Watchers
Hitting Goal/Then Gaining Some of it Back
My crazy runs, bike races and my first Triathlon
Starting over again and again (because you HAVE to keep trying)
Swaps…OH how I love SWAPS!
My trips…I have great friends that live all over the country and I LOVE TO GO VISIT THEM!

The best part of blogging? Making new friends, having people encourage you all while encouraging them. Reading about other people’s lives and accomplishments. Recipes, ideas, inspiration…

So come over and check out my cool new look by The Frilly Coconut…didn’t she do an AWESOME job?

I look forward to making new friends and having new blogs to read!

I hope you like what you find…and that you find some ideas, some inspiration, some encouragement…

I leave you with this:

“This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy.”

FDNY 343

2010-09-11T07:21:00.001-05:00

9 years ago I was laying in bed, fast asleep. My husband (my ex) was at the fire station working just a few blocks away from our house.

I was somewhere in dreamland when the phone rang. I didn’t answer. The phone rang again. I didn’t answer. It rang a third time and I finally rolled over, groaned and answered. Ex was on the other end in complete hysterics. Not crying, just panicking. I understood his rant enough to turn the TV on, to any station.

I did, and what I saw was mortifying.

I quickly got dressed and headed to the station. Since I was a volunteer, I put on my fire department shirt and a pair of jeans. I never even brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

A minute later I was at the station. The crew was completely beside themselves. Within hours we would hear “last call” for firefighters. If you don’t know what this is, this short video will explain it. (I should add that this video is NOT from 9/11)

I remember where I was when it happened and I remember crying for what seemed like an eternity. I’ve talked about the “brotherhood” around here before. It doesn’t matter if you’re a firefighter from Timbucktoo or NYC, you’re brothers and sisters. When this tragedy happened it was like one big dark cloud for months.

In the weeks that followed we gathered items to send to the surviving families. Small items to attempt to comfort their children and handwritten letters from strangers thanking the wife of the deceased for allowing her spouse to fight the good fight.

I don’t know how many letters I wrote and I don’t know how many packages we sent out, but it seemed to be never ending.

I woke up this morning and I cried. I cried because 9 years ago today, almost to the minute we lost so much. Our country was stripped of something beautiful it will never get back. It’s not anything you can see or touch, it’s the sense of security and safety that was taken from us. It was the automatic switch turned on. The switch from normalcy to constantly looking over your shoulder because someone looked suspicious. We’re all guilty of this. It’s not fair.

I’m not the same person I was 9 years ago. Today I have a different life. A better life. Though I’ve changed into someone different, though I have a daughter of my own and My Husband doesn’t dance with the devil in burning buildings, and neither do I, a part of me will forever live in that day. I can’t listen to bagpipes without bursting into hysterical tears. It doesn’t matter what version of Amazing Grace I hear, it makes me cry. When I see a fire engine with an American Flag flying in it’s trail, I know why. I remember why.

I’ll never forget. Not many of us will.

I just want to listen to bagpipes again and not cry.

Let's Talk Period. Giveaway

2010-09-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

This is going to be, by far the best giveaway I've ever done. Not only is the giveaway prize totally rad, but I get to tell you how awesome the product is AND give you an opportunity to have money donated in your name to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF)!

Now that those amazing details are out of the way, we can get this show on the road!

It's no secret that I have a love for all things Seventh Generation, right? I mean, at this point in my life, I think it's really important to try to transition the things I use and do on a regular basis toward something more green. A few months ago, Seventh Generation gave me a ton of wonderful products from their Free & Clear line. I've been using them ever since and I'm certain that I'll never go back to using other products that are on the market for the same thing. It's nice cleaning my toilets without a the smell of harsh chemicals and gloves!

**Mini commercial break for men**

If you want to continue reading, and enter to win, go right ahead, but I think it's safe for all of us (yeah, you two men) if you just click here now...

This time, Seventh Generation provided me with their entire Feminine Care Line! I'm talking tampons and panty liners (and bleach and toilet paper and fabric softener and laundry detergent and...), y'all!

As women, we all know how important it is for us to buy these products. We also know how it is to find a brand you absolutely love and stick with it, right? I mean, I know I hate using a product that isn't my "regular", but when you're in a pinch you use what's available.

Anyperiod, last month I used the Seventh Generation Chlorine Free Organic Cotton Applicator Tampons. I'm a creature of habit, so this was a big deal for me, but let me just tell you, sans going into a ton of detail: my favorite part about these little guys is that the string is longer than the ones I was using before. Come on, ladies, you know this is a big deal! Add to that the fact that they're organic and not treated with chemicals!

Okay, enough of the that!

Now, on to the really awesome part!

Seventh Generation is raising money for the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund this month and all you need to do is go to Let's Talk Period. and give them your email address! Seventh Generation will then donate $1 in your name to the OCRF! How easy is that? How AWESOME is that?

It's no secret that so many of us in this Blogging World have been affected by cancer in some form or another, so this is a great way for us to raise money with just the click of a button!

For this giveaway, the only MANDATORY entry is that you go to Let's Talk Period. and give them your email address, all the others are optional.

You can submit your entries using the form below. This giveaway ends on the last day of this month and the winner will be announced during the first week of October! Each entry must be submitted separately and entries are subject to verification.

The Feminine Care Line that you will receive includes:

Fem Care Starter Kit

Tampon Regular Applicator

Tampon Super Applicator

Ultrathin Regular Pantiliners

Ultrathin Super Long Pantiliners

Ultrathin Overnight Pantiliners

Maxi Overnight

Maxi Regular

Laundry Detergent - BE&L 32 oz

Fabric Softener Sheets – BE&L

Chlorine-free Bleach

Bath Tissue - 4 pk

Seventh Gen Recycled Bag

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*Seventh Generation gave me the products mentioned above at no cost to me. This review and post are only MY opinions

Friday Catch All

2010-09-03T10:01:00.001-05:00

So, I have a ton going on right now, but I wanted to be sure to write today!

First, be sure to check out Cheryl’s post today! She’s a Friday Featured Writer over at Blogger Body Calendar! Help spread the word and tweet out the link to her post! Be sure to add @steelerfanmom in your tweet! Awareness is key, and the driving force behind the involvement for her and I with the Austin Foundation for Eating Disorders! Cheryl is a great woman and this post she has up over at BBC is so brave!

- - Sample tweet (that will take you 15 seconds to copy and paste:
Please read @steelerfanmom guest post @bbc2011 http://tinyurl.com/24ay9fd Please RT!

Also, you can follow Cheryl’s blog by clicking on that little button:

Tuesday, be on the look out for a Seventh Generation review and giveaway! Seventh Generation will be donating $1 in your name to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund if you go to Lets Talk Period. and sign up with your email! This will be a great giveaway and for a great cause!

Several great women (bloggers) are celebrating National Women’s Friendship Month! They’ve got some great giveaways and contests going on, so be sure to follow Friends You Love for all the great details! You can also follow them on twitter @friendsyoulove!

Finally, happy birthday to one of my best friends! Today is “Auntie Lena’s” birthday! She’s celebrating the big 3-Oh in Mexico right now with my little sister. I’m sad I missed the trip, but I’m sure they’re having a grand time!

*This is what we look like after we’ve torn up the dance floor at a good friend’s wedding. Hot Sweaty Mess…

I hope all of you have a happy and safe weekend! Enjoy your time with the people you love, y’all! I’ll be packing, skeet shooting and packing!

One Of My Favorites!

2010-09-01T07:00:00.001-05:00

Once a week in September, I'm going to introduce you to some of my favorite bloggers. I enjoy them personally and I enjoy reading about the happenings in their lives.

Amber, the genius behind Airing My Dirty Laundry One Sock At A Time, is amazing. She makes me laugh and most of the time I can totally relate to just about every word she says when it comes to her precious daughter. Sometimes I even look at pictures of her and think that it's McKenna.

I've you've never read this blog and you have young children or even a husband, you're totally missing out! I urge you to go there (as soon as you're finished reading what she has to say, of course)!

Hi.

My name is Amber and I love chocolate and cheese.

But not at the same time because can you imagine? Cheese chocolate? Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad….

Enough about food though.

When Jenn asked me to guest post she told me to introduce myself. So as I said before, I’m Amber. I have two kids, Tommy who is 8 and loves to ask inappropriate questions and Natalie who is 3 and just started preschool (I now have two hours of freedom and yes, I did a happy dance about it. Several times.) My husband Tom is in the Air Force and is in Korea until August 2011. Having him gone for so long is difficult at times (especially when everything seems to be breaking at once) but we’re able to Skype so it’s been okay.

I love to write. My goal is to become a published writer. I actually have a completed novel and am searching for an agent to love it and be all, “Of course I’ll represent you.” It hasn’t happened yet. I’m trying not to take it personally and burst into tears.

Since I love to write I’ll share a few of my favorite posts:

This post is about the different responses that I’ve been getting when people find out that my husband is gone for a year.

Th is the kind of post that I do every Tuesday. I call it Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday. If you want to do your own, you are welcome anytime.

Have I mentioned that people obsessed with Twilight freak me out a little bit? No? Well, I write more about that here!

So stop by anytime and say hi! I'm not scary at all.

Well, unless I haven't had my caffeine yet.

-------

A messy husband. A clothes obsessed wife. A son with ADHD. A feisty daughter. Airing my Dirty Laundry one sock at a time: http://whisperingwriter.blogspot.com/

How Social Media Has Changed My Life: Part II

2010-08-31T10:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I left you with a tidbit about how Myspace and Facebook helped me reconnect with a Forever Friend.

Well, today I’m going to tell you all about how blogging has rocked my world! I’ve mentioned before that I’ve started and stopped blogging several times in the last several years. I used to write a million years ago when LiveJournal was cool. After that, I blogged here and there on Myspace, then on CafeMom and several times here with blogger.

This is the first time I’ve stuck with it and it has changed me as a person, in a good way. When I had other blogger blogs going I never got into the whole “following” thing. I didn’t really get on except to write. Well, those blogs have bombed and just over a year ago I started this little gem (you’re welcome!).

When I started, I learned how to blog hop. I would click on one blog, read a bit and click on someone they liked and read and so on and so forth. Eventually I landed at something called Adventures of a Wannabe SupahMommy…I was drawn to her because of her sense of humor. This is when I learned to comment…

Fast forward a few months and I had made a new set of friends. Supah, Chief, Princess and MittyB. We would email each other, comment on each other’s blogs for support and eventually meet up here in THE Great State of Texas. Most of you know that we go by the Wolf Pack. We protect our own. All for one and one for all. Or AOFOWAFFLE. Some people think we’re a pack of angry women out to hurt feelings or start trouble and sadly, you’re all mistaken. Very rarely do we fight back. There are lots of times one or all of us are “attacked” in the blogosphere and we just let it roll off our backs (like DuckWolfs). It takes a whole lot of shit to get us wound up.

I think that everyone has their little group like this, and it’s healthy. It’s about friendships and camaraderie while doing something we all love (writing). We constantly have email exchanges that typically end with someone saying that they are going to, or already have pissed themselves. We make fun of each other’s asses and “crafts” while talking each other off the ledge when one of us is having a bad day.

The truth of the matter is that these other 4 women are my best friends. They are always there for me when I need them or something (like homemade toffee) and I’m always there for them. There is no leader to our pack because we all bring assets to the table. As far as I’m concerned, we are probably the smartest group of ladies in the world.

I know that some of you are shaking your heads to disagree. Thinking we’re mean-spirited, hateful women. I’ll let you continue to think whatever you want because arguing that I’m right and you’re wrong is pointless and a waste of a lot of my energy. For me to tell you that the people that chose to start stupid ass wars with us online have been twice as evil and twice as hateful is a waste of my breath. You should remember that there are two sides to every story. We are not mean or vindictive.

The truth is…sometimes you get tired of being the “bigger” person. You get poked and prodded enough with the proverbial internet stick and finally have to say ‘enough is enough’. People will claim that they’ve done nothing wrong and carry on as far as they have to in order to get your sympathy vote. They will come out looking clean as a whistle while there are so many people who know and have experienced the truth for themselves.

Sometimes the problem will go away (and come back and go away and come back), but we are the ones left with our defenses constantly up.

Today, I’m going to leave you with some food for thought. I pulled this off of an article I read on BlogHer recently (my additions are in pink).

Do not acknowledge the bully. (but it’s okay to reference them or people they support on your blog. Mocking them is always a plus too. Like say something like “big bloggers like…” is totally okay. Just be sure that when you’re mocking them, do it in such a way that you can come back later and say “that was totally a compliment”).
Do not go and visit their site or their friends sites. Even if you like their blog, once a mean girl always a mean girl. (Unless it’s to say that you are interested in buying an item for sale, but you want to know exactly how much of the proceeds go towards a child with cancer that started this ‘war’ nearly a year ago. That’s totally okay too – this is also known as the proverbial internet stick).
Do not comment or respond to the comments that they leave on you site. (No. Better yet, copy and paste the comments into a brand new post and go off on a rant. That’s sure to fuel the fire and keep the drama going. The bigger person would just delete them).
Block their ISP's from being able to visit your site and/or comment. (Most people don’t know how to do this, but when you’ve pissed enough people off on the internet, it’s a good tool to learn).
Surround yourself with loving and supportive bloggers who will have your back, if need be. (Safety in numbers. Don't get a big group to stand behind you, only to piss most of them off so they drop you like a bad habit).
Do not engage. (No, just wait for the shit to hit the fan. Once this happens, point fingers and blame everyone else in the world for everything. Remember to keep telling yourself that YOU are the victim here. Everything was totally uncoherced. This way you can start to believe that’s the truth. Then, once you’ve made an announcement about feeling like the world is against you, completely remove your blog from the internet so that people will beg you not to go. This is also known as ‘attention whoring’ or 'getting rid of the evidence').

I’m hoping that everyone reading this will take the tips above and use them from now on. It’s great advice if you’re of sound mind. If you’re not, you’ll probably do what you want.

In closing, Thank you blogosphere for giving me the best friends a girl could ask for. Thank you for giving me a platform to speak my mind and thank you for always keeping things spicy!

How Social Media Has Changed My Life: Part I

2010-08-30T11:10:00.000-05:00

Last night, my Forever Friend, MegHan came over to my house. MegHan and I have known each other since at least 1996. We went to high school together and were on the dance team together. I graduated in 1997 and only saw MegHan one more time before she left for college in 1998. We were friends in high school by default because on the drill team, you have to be friends with everyone on the team. You also had to know how to spell everyone's first and last name correctly, but that's a story for another time.

MegHan and I lost touch, like most high school friendships. While she was totally rocking college life, I was ditching college for being a young married gal.

Fast forward several years when Myspace infiltrated everyone's lives. Of course I had my pimped out profile out there and somehow MegHan and I reconnected. She was finished with college and working in Austin again as a PR Maven. We would talk about getting together for drinks, but nothing in our worlds ever aligned enough for such a thing to happen.

Fast forward again to when Myspace was sooo 2005 and the world jumped to Facebook to reconnect with friends of the past and present. Of course MegHan and I found each other there again and started chit-chatting about meeting up (again), only to have it never work out. Then, shortly after this MegHan announced that she would be leaving THE Great State of Texas to move up north.

She landed a kick-ass gig as the PR Maven for one of her clients that she had been working for in Austin. They packed her up and shipped her north. In my mind, I couldn't begin to think how she would handle it. She was a Native Austinite, which is a very-VERY rare breed. When you've lived in Austin your entire life, you normally don't pack up and leave, even for a job. It's a scary thing, you know?

So, there she goes, off to the Northeast. She's living in a town where nobody knows her name. Alone.

Through all of this we stay connected on Facebook and a year ago I start really keeping up with this blog. She's still there and her and I are now talking regularly via email/Facebook/text. She told me a while ago that she was going to come into town for a quick visit so I quickly told her to pencil me in. We were GOING to meet up over drinks if it killed us.

Sunday evening she came over and it was quite possibly the best 4 hours I've had with a girlfriend in such a long time. We talked about everything. Relationships, jobs, families, social media, bees (specifically the one that was trying to sting her ass), dogs, whiskey, the stresses of "not fitting in" at a young age, anxiety, diarrhea...just, EVERYTHING. We had grown up conversation with grown up drinks and a million and one laughs.

She truly is the ying to my yang. The Patsy to my Edina. I will be forever thankful to "Tom" for connecting us on Myspace. She is one of the brightest, most honest, genuine, caring people I've ever met and just knowing her makes me a better person! She is a great friend.

(via)

Thank you, Social Media.

On Moving Away

2010-08-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

The B Family is moving!

We’re moving from the Big City of Austin, Texas to the Little City! I’ll leave it a mystery because some of my favorite people/family members/friends live there and they keep the name of Little City locked in a safe deposit box at the bank!

I was waiting to write this post until everything was sort of nailed down, so now I can finally let you guys in!

We’ll be moving the week of September 27th to a cute little house we found on The River. We’ll be living closer to My Husband’s family, so McKenna will get to grow up with her cousins, aunts and uncles and her Opa and Omie! My niece is a year older than McKenna and the two of them are like ~~wild banshees~~ peanut butter and jelly when they get together.

In my head, it feels like we're moving worlds away. I've never lived anywhere slow paced. I've never lived more than 5 minutes away from my parents, either. My mom is freaking out. Like, we can't even talk about it, mention it or think about it when we're together. I wish she was more supportive of this move that our family is making, but on the flipped side, I understand where she's coming from. McKenna is her world. If she goes more than 4 days or so without seeing her, she starts to get a little freaked out. So, while my feelings are hurt when the topic comes up with my mom, I get it.

The reality that I wish I could get to sink into my mom's head is that I'm not going that far away. It's an hour and a half on a heavy traffic day and 45 minutes of that is getting from their house to the south side of Austin. I'm not packing up my family and moving 12 hours away by car, like her and my dad did back in 1994. I'm not doing this to hurt her feelings, either. We're doing this because financially, it's cheaper to live in Little City and it makes more sense because My Husband travels in that area for his business, coupled with the fact that we have a ton of family there. It's great that we live so close to my parents right now, but McKenna is at the age where she loves to play with her friends (and is constantly inviting them over to play without discussing it with me or their parents first). The fact that she'll be only a handful of miles away from her cousins AND be going to school with my niece will be great for her. In Austin, McKenna is an only child and moving her closer to family her age will help her grow. When I was McKenna's age, my sister was born and shortly after her birth all of my cousins made their debuts. I spent a lot of time with my cousins, so I know how important it is to give McKenna the same opportunities.

I'm excited to move and start something new, but I'm dreading the entire idea of packing. In theory, we should pack up one room a week, keeping only the necessities, but that's just in theory. I would love it if the people from that Hoarders show would stop by and just get rid of everything while I'm at work one day. We don't hoard. Not even close, and I don't think we have a ton of stuff either. I just want to get rid of everything.

Do you have any tips about moving? How about tips for making your mother not hate you for the rest of your life because you moved?

And You Thought YOU Had A Bad Day

2010-08-26T14:36:00.001-05:00

, Have you ever had one of those days where one single thing goes wrong and you feel like it's mucked your entire day up until you lay your head down on your pillow? Yeah. Me too, only not today.

Today's story is brought to you by my Three Stooges. The boys I have grown to love like brothers. One more than the other two, but that's neither here nor there because If I tell Roy he's not my favorite he'll probably sink into the fetal position and sob for days. That's just how he is.

Anycrybaby...

On Monday I bitched on twitter about having to book travel for 8 different people going to 1 place from 3 different locations. By Tuesday I had everyone lined out, flights booked, and itineraries distributed accordingly. When that was done I took a deep breath and thanked God that I was finished and nobody had to be stabbed.

See, there was a meeting in Houston on Wednesday that started at 10:30AM, and I'm not sure if you've ever done flight booking for 8 people all at once to come from 3 different places in the country to be at the same place at the same time, but it's nearly impossible without inconveniencing 8 out of 8 people. Everyone was put out by this quick trip because everyone is really busy. I get that, but sometimes you don't have choices, people.

Back on task: flights booked!

This morning, I was getting ready for work and I looked at the clock. Everyone should be at an airport about to board their flights. I popped onto facebook for a tick and the first thing I read was that Kozul & Roy's flight was cancelled. Fantastic. Two down, 6 to go. At least if 6 of us were showing up, that would be fine, right?

I called Kozul, who is normally "funny" and he said "yeah, I'm not fucking kidding you. I'm so pissed I can't even joke about it". Did I mention that they had to drive from Grand Rapids to Chicago to get on the plane? The plane that never left the Midway Airport? No? Okay, well, yeah. They did. And two hours they drove back to Grand Rapids. I told Kozul that I was going to show up to hte office in my pajamas and slippers because, well, there's not going to be anyone there, but then I realized that the Evil Receptionist at the title company across the hall would probably rat me out, so I changed my mind.

I get into the office and do my usual when I suddenly get a text from Howard:

Howard: Which is worse? Leaving your driver's license @ texas tubes, missing a plane, getting pulled over without a license, driving to Houston or changing a tire in 100 degrees in Houston?

Jenn: Jesus fucking...Are you near Houston? I'm so sorry, man.

Howard: I'm in Houston I can actually see the hotel but I am way late sweaty and dirty and riding on a donut.

Jenn: Don't worry about your driver's license. I'll call Texas Tubes and have them fedex it.

I never heard back, assuming he had changed his tire, hustled his way to the meeting and I would hear from him tomorrow.

As I left for lunch I texted him and told him to call me when he got a minute. I was going to tell him that I took care of his driver's license situation. A few minutes later he called. "Are you on a break"? "NO. I'm not at the meeting". I knew in that split second that things were not going to be good.

I asked him what happened and he described to me the series of events.

He got to the airport with plenty of time. As he walked up to security he realized that he didn't have his driver's license. He left it at the tube place as collateral for his tube (they usually keep your car keys). He didn't realize it until he tried to get through security. He immediately picked up his phone and called his girlfriend. She rushed to the airport with his passport. He got through security and dashed to the gate only to find that the plane doors were closed and the plane was about to back up from the terminal.

He ran back out of the airport and talked to his girlfriend again. She asked what he was going to do and he told her that he had to drive. He hopped in his Cadillac and hauled ass. As he told me the story, he explained that he was driving like a maniac, weaving in and out of cars, cutting people off, driving as fast as he could. At one point, he cut a car off and nearly clipped their front bumper.

When he looked in his mirror he saw that it was a cop. Naturally, he was pulled over. He handed the officer his passport and insurance. The first thing the cop asked was "don't you have a license?", which is where Howard began his tale to the officer. Explaining that he left it at the tube place. Then the cop said "are you on your way to the airport?", to which Howard said "No. I'm leaving. I just missed my flight and I have a meeting at 10:30 I have to be at in Houston". Howard told me that the cop looked at his watch, handed him his documents back and said "don't speed until you get out of Austin. Be careful". For some reason, the cop was understanding enough this morning to not write him a ticket for speeding, reckless driving and being an asshole in general.

Howard continued on his journey to Houston. I would have turned around, gone home and crawled back in bed with a bottle of vodka and Xanax. He's better than me like that.

As he's telling me all of this I'm cracking up, not because of the hilarity factor, but mostly because it's like "can all of this shit really happen to one person in real life"?

As he pulled into Houston, he started getting closer to the hotel. This is when he texted me. He blew out his tire and was no more than 300 yards away from the meeting. He said there was a big open field between him and the hotel. There was over grown bushes, weeds and God knows what else. He figured his only shot to make the meeting (20 minutes late) was to ditch his car on the side of (who knows what) the road in Houston and sprint over the river and through the woods to get to the meeting. He stopped and thought again. If he bolted through the forest of possible poison ivy and snakes and made it to the meeting, he would show up embarrassingly late, sweating like a hog and pissed off at the world. Not really the first impression he wanted to make on the CEO of our company. He also thought that if he left his car where the flat happened, his car would be towed or even worse: stolen. He opted not to go to the meeting, but to change the tire and put on his donut. He gimped around Houston in his Cadillac searching for a tire place.

While he was telling me all of this, he was sitting in a Firestone waiting for his car. The poor guy drove 200 miles to change his fucking tire.

I honestly wanted to cry for him. After all he's been through today, he'll get to sit in rush hour traffic on his way home, probably in Houston AND in Austin.

At least his driver's license will be here tomorrow, because I'm awesome like that.

An Astonishing Revelation

2010-08-20T14:14:00.001-05:00

Earlier this morning I got a text from Mommy Is In The Bathroom:

MIITB: Oh my fucking god i feel soooo old. Im watching danny tanners 30th bday on full house. Im turning 30. I am no longer dj, im now danny..

(via)

Jenn B: Lmfao. That’s so sad!

MIITB: I know!!! I was like omg im the same age as the full house dads now :(

Jenn B: I’m older than Danny tanner. Howwwww? What does this meaaaaan?

MIITB: Lmfao i know…iits sooooo intense, its like the world is going into some mind fuck alternative universe lol

Jenn B: I can’t stop saying “omg. I’m Danny tanner”…

MITTB: Lmfao me either, except to wipe away the tears lol

MIITB: Wait, djs like 11 in this episode…. Danny was an early starter lol

Jenn B: I swear to god I just used a fucking calculater to do the math. I’m Stupid Danny Tanner…

MIITB: Lol that would mean ur joey lmfao

Jenn B: Now I’m really going to fucking cry.

MIITB: At least u dont have a fro mullett like jesse lol

**************************************************************************

Yesterday, my friend Amanda posted on facebook that she was the first person at Costco and that she needed to check the times before she goes next time. After that, MegHan chimed in and was all “srsly, how old are you guys? I’m sending you gerital and depends” and I fired back with how awesome shopping in bulk is because you can buy 6 pounds of cream cheese for the prices of 16 ounces at the grocery store. I’m waiting for my geritol to show up any day now.

**************************************************************************

On Wednesday I was at my parent’s house hanging out. McKenna needed to use the bathroom, so naturally, she needed her ass wiped (read: at what age can your child wipe their own ass? I’m waiting for that day and when it happens, I’m getting a memorial tattoo for that moment that reads “My Baby Wipes Her Own Ass {date}”). I go in to help her and because I’m hunched over the toilet I see her deuce. Then I see corn. Then this happened:

Me: Did you eat corn today?
McKenna: Nooooooooooo.
Me: When did you eat corn?
McKenna: *blinks*
Me: The CORN? When did you eat it? When did you eat corn?

You would have thought she walked through the door with a case of cocaine (is that how they sell cocaine?). I gave my poor, not-even-four-year-old the 3rd degree about corn in her dump. Now that I’m thinking about it, I bet she’ll start wiping her own tush any time now because she will want me to stop asking about all the food in her Number Two’s.

Don’t worry. I’m saving for her therapy. She’s going to need it.

The moral of this story is that getting old(er) sucks. I mean, it’s not so bad, but then all of a sudden you stop and think about it and you realize that you’re totally not DJ Tanner anymore.

(via)

The One Where I Tag People (and Aggravate Them)

2010-08-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

So, on Monday, my friend in real life slash Blogosphere tagged me in a post she was tagged in. Normally I don’t play the tag-you’re it game, but I’m trying to get back in the habit of posting more than one day a week, so this worked out perfectly!

Be sure to stop by Amanda’s place and show her some love! She’s got a really fun blog where she talks about meal planning (recipes included!!!) and taming her adorable toddler! Amanda moved away from Texas and is currently living in California! I know she’ll always be a Texas girl at heart, but I think California suits her personality well!

Amanda asked me 8 questions that I have to answer. When I’m finished, I’ll ask 8 of my favorite bloggers 8 different questions!

1. What do you blog about most? I blog about everything. Some of what I write can be “too taboo” for some people’s taste, but I enjoy crossing that line every once in a while. This blog started out about McKenna and has evolved to what ever I want over the last year.

2. Three interesting things about you are? Let’s see…1) I hate wearing shoes. I wear flip flops (even to work) about 350 days out of the year. I would rather freeze my toes off than have my piggies confined in something uncomfortable. 2) My favorite activity is Bay Fishing. There’s nothing better than the salty (hot) air on my skin, an ice cold beer at 6:00AM and a little croaker on the end of my line! Well, if I catch a nice trout or red fish, that would be the best! 3) When I go to sleep, one of my legs has to be out of the covers.

3. When was your last vacation and where did you go?
My last vacation was just a few weeks ago! My sister, McKenna and I packed up and headed west to Albuquerque, New Mexico to visit all of my family (except my parents and one uncle who live here). We had fun, but a week was probably a tad too long for McKenna.

4. Digital/online calendar or pen & paper?
It doesn’t matter. I’m forgetful all the time and if I write it down or enter it online, I will forget.

5. What was your most recent purchase? Sadly, it was a SunnyD and an oil change. I lead a fascinating life, don’t I? It’s totally okay to be jealous!

6. Drink of choice? Sweet tea, water or an Arnold Palmer

7. What do you do for a living? I’m an office manager for a mortgage company. It’s not the most glorious of jobs, but I love it and I work with great people (with the exception of Viper…)

8. Best meal you've ever had? I think this is an impossible question. My husband is a phenomenal cook, both behind the grill and at the stove. My favorite that he makes is a good steak or his pulled pork. Both of them make me want to roll my eyes to the back of my head. He can literally make anything. He’s creative and very rarely makes something I don’t enjoy.

Now, my 8 questions for the next 8 bloggers:
1. I’m giving you $1000 to spend on YOURSELF. What are you going to buy?
2. What kind of car do you and your significant other drive? Love them or hate them (the car, not the significant other)?
3. If you had to buy me a gift, what would it be? There’s a $50 limit.
4. Who is your favorite blogger (big or small) to read?
5. When cooking, which ingredient do you use in most of your dishes?
6. Who is your BFF in the blogging world?
7. Tell me about one or some of your quirks or idiosyncrasies.
8. What is your guilty pleasure as far as TV goes?

8 Bloggers I’m Tagging:
1. Meeko Fabulous @ The Ramblings of a Disgruntled Secretary
2. Jessica @ My Simply Complicated
3. Loni @ Land of Loni |Population 3
4. Brandee @ Think Tank Momma
5. KrisKay @ iDocument
6. Brandi @ These Are The Moments
7. Janna @ Happiness is a Journey For Janna
8. Amber @ Amber’s Life

58 Miles

2010-08-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

We went to sleep at 2:00 in the morning on Saturday. I had to be sure My Husband was out of bed by 5:45 so he could head to The College so he could fire up the pit. See, he was cooking for his best friend’s surprise 30th birthday party that evening. After I got him out the door I lounged around our hotel room for about an hour before I decided to hop in the shower. After I finished showering I looked at my watch and knew I had some time to spare. I didn’t have to be back in Austin until noon for the AFED Meeting so I just needed to be sure I left by about 10:00.

I laid down in the bed and woke up an hour later panicked because I still had to finish getting ready. I had no idea I would fall asleep. I jumped up and finished getting ready. I left the hotel room at 10:00 on the dot. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I set one of my trip meter's to zero so I could clock the mileage to my office. I needed to know how many miles it was and how long it was going to take me. This trip back to Austin was dual purpose. The AFED Meeting of course, but mileage calculation second.

I hit the road back to Austin. The drive was nice since I was alone and didn’t have an almost-4-year old begging to stop for bug juice or a bathroom. I was able to average a bit more than 60MPH, which I realize is typical Saturday traffic and when my commute becomes a reality, I won’t be able to average that speed, but in the end, it was 58 miles from where I set the trip to zero to my office and it only took me 52 minutes. That’s nothing, considering that right now I live 25 miles from my office and it takes me an hour in the mornings and an hour and a half in the evenings and that doesn’t include if there’s rain or an accident. If either one of those happen, an hour is automatically tacked on to my drive time because people here can’t figure out two things: 1) It’s rain, people. Yes, it’s wet, but your gas pedal still works as an accelerator, and 2) Yes, there’s a wreck right there. The people are probably fine. There is absolutely NO NEED to come to a complete stop to check it out, regardless of what lane you’re travelling in. Move along.

Anyroadrage, the commute won’t be that bad.

I headed to the AFED Meeting and got there way early (I know you’re surprised). I had enough time to stop by Taco Cabana off The Drag and get a bean and cheese taco (aside: they have the best ones and I’m not sure why). When I went back towards where the meeting was, I passed it three times before I finally figured out which building it was in. I parked and went inside.

While Diane, Stephanie and I were waiting for others to arrive, Diane had me set a blog up for her. She said “this has been the best AFED meeting ever”! She’s excited to start blogging about anything and everything. I’m not going to link up to her today because she hasn’t started writing just yet, but when she does, I’ll be sure to let you guys know where to go!

Eventually everyone started to trickle in. I always look forward to our meetings for a lot of reasons, but mainly, I get to see Cheryl! I love that woman so much that just seeing her makes me feel better that day!

The meeting went well. We discussed our upcoming Art Auction as well as the NEDA 2010 Walk. It’s all going to happen before we know it and I really need to buckle down and get into gear for everything. We talked about having a multi-family garage sale sometime in October to raise funds for our organization as well as funds so we can be listed as a sponsor for the NEDA 2010 walk. This is all great and will work out well, except that the possibility of us moving by October 1st is highly likely at this point. I’ve committed myself to AFED for over a year now and they are aware I’ll be moving, so that’s not the issue because I’ll still be involved, but moving AND planning all at the same time will be a doozie, but nothing I can’t handle!

After the meeting I had to run by my house because My Husband wasn’t able to get home to pack a bag before he left town. He always keeps clean clothes and underoos in his truck, but mostly work clothes, not birthday party clothes. I had to make it a quick trip because I was meeting him at 4:30 at Aunt K’s house so we could look at the house 5 doors down. I was cutting it close, but I knew I was going to make it.

I ended up getting to Aunt K’s house with 15 minutes to spare! We went down the street and looked at a house that both of us really liked. The front and back yards are both really big, huge compared to our postage sized lot in North Austin and the inside was set up in a way that would be good for us. The master bedroom on one side of the house and the two remaining bedrooms on the other. The bedrooms are separated by the living room and kitchen. There are only a few things I don’t care for in this house, but it’s nothing compared to things I love about it! The carpet is clean, but it’s sort of ugly and there’s floral wall paper in the kitchen and breakfast nook. Since it’s a rental, we can’t change anything, but I can get past all of it because of it’s location. This particular house overlooks the Guadalupe River, so any of you from around these parts knows how awesome and beautiful our view will be! Having the river in my backyard totally cancels out any wallpaper and ugly carpet, y’all. I’m just sayin’.

Aunt K’s husband, F’n B happens to be a realtor, so he is taking care of all the back end stuff with the property management company. He left them a message on Saturday afternoon saying that he found some people who want to move in, but we haven’t heard back from them yet. Maybe by the time this posts, I’ll have some different news, but right now we’re just waiting. We’re not getting our hopes up either.

After looking at the house we went back down to Aunt K and F’n B’s house so My Husband could get a shower (he smelled like smoke from the BBQ pit) and I could change. We still had to party it up with friends for the big 30th celebration!

Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to this party. I love the friends that I’ve made in the years I’ve been with My Husband, but some of the women in this particular group have been ugly to me and just plain unsocial. I don’t have time in my life to hang out with people who don’t care to remember my damn name after 6 years, so I was going because of My Husband’s BFF, whom I love dearly. I knew that I would say hi to people and basically get the cold shoulder, but I was prepared for it. Besides, I had enough real friends there to not really have to interact with the ones I didn’t care for all that much.

When the party started, our friend’s mom approached me and said hi. She’s never gone out of her way to speak to me before. I was surprised. That set the tone for the night and I was shocked when all the other Bitties came around to talk to me, and hug me and tell me how nice it was to see me. It was uncomfortable, but with a little bit of help from my robot pills, it was fine. Maybe they were all being super nice because I told one of them that we were moving to town and she went and gathered the Bitties and had a “OH shit we better be nice to her, she’s going to be our neighbor soon” meeting. Who really knows.

All that matters is that I met some great people at the party and had such a fun time with everyone. I even posted on Jess’ facebook that she was missing a fun party. She knew that statement was loaded with sarcasm, but really, it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it was going to be.

We ended up getting herded like cattle out of the place. We made it back to Fab FIL & NEMIL’s house around 2 in the morning (after getting our friend Channie home safe). Another late night for us. Both of us slept until 10:00AM and McKenna hardly bothered us. I guess her Opa kept her entertained while we got some much needed rest!

After spending Friday night with family and Saturday night with friends, it made me a lot less stressed out about our move. I’ll miss my parents, sister and uncle a lot, but really, I’ll still be working in town so I’ll see them when I want to. My mom works a mile away from me, so there will still be lunch dates. I know they’ll be upset about not being able to see McKenna all the time, but moving her closer to her cousins will be great for her AND it will give my parents a reason to get away to our house on the weekends!

The One With The Broken Headboard

2010-08-16T09:37:00.001-05:00

This weekend was so busy and did not last long enough. After I left work on Friday, I headed south to the Small Town where My Husband’s family lives. It was Grandma L’s birthday and she wanted everyone to meet for dinner at Clear Springs Cafe. YES, PLEASE! Clear Springs has the best onion rings I’ve ever put in my mouth. Seriously. Even if you hate onions or onion rings, you will enjoy theirs. The hardest part about dinner on Friday night was the waiting. Since we were a group of 22 people. Yes. 22 people, it’s not like we could just mosey on in and get a table. We waited over an hour before Aunt K blew a gasket because a table of 33 was seated before us and our entire party was complete long before theirs was. Clear Springs has a strict “we won’t seat you unless your complete party is here” rule.

After she gave the hostess the what-for, we were seated rather quickly. We sat at two different tables and everyone just sort of mingled to visit, until the onion rings made it to the tables. Then everyone shut the hell up and stuffed themselves!

Our plan for the weekend was to stay at my Fab FIL & NEMIL’s house, but then My Husband was all “babe, do you want to get a hotel *eyebrow wiggle*”? I turned to my NEMIL (Omie) and asked if McKenna could stay the night without us. My niece and nephew were already staying there so of course Omie was more than okay with it. Then, Omie turned to my SIL and said “you know, if the boys want to come over too, they’re more than welcome. I’ll have the little kids, but I would really like it if they would come”! SIL’s boys are 15 and 12. SIL told Omie that the boys would love to go over.

After she agreed to take all of her grandchildren home, she turned to my Fab FIL (Opa) and said (seriously. I can’t make this shit up) “Opa, all of our grandkids are coming over to spend the night so all of our children can go have sex”. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at something NEMIL has said. I think it was mostly funny because it was true. We didn’t have to tell her, she just already knew.

After dinner My Husband and I went to get a room at the same hotel my BIL and SIL had a room at. No vacancy. We called one of the newer hotels up the interstate. No vacancy. At this point, any thoughts of sex went out the window because with no vacancies at any of the hotels, it was back to Fab FIL & NEMIL’s house. We started heading to their house and My Husband pulled into a hotel that had a mostly empty parking lot. Alamo Country Inn & Suites. It was nothing fancy and neither one of us are hotel snobs. The mandatory things we look for in a hotel are as follows: 1) Clean sheets 2) A good shower 3) An air conditioner that blows really cold air. This place had all three.

We walked into our room and I set my stuff down on the chair. The first thing I noticed was that it was dated. It was clean, but dated. The carpet was floral print, the area rug was a different floral print, the wall paper border was a third floral print…you get the idea. It’s not The Venetian in Vegas, but it was better than some places I’ve stayed. After assessing the decor, I walked outside. A few minutes later My Husband comes flying out the door. “You have GOT to come look at this”. I walked to the threshold and I found the headboard detached from the wall. I asked what happened and he said “NOTHING! I sat on the bed to take my boots off and the fucker came off the wall”. He called the main office and told them what had happened. The hotel guy said the he was sorry. He offered to move us to another room and followed the offer up with “but I’m not sure the others will be any better”. Nice.

We stayed in that room because it was just going to be too much of a hassle, plus, Jessica and Dearest were on their way over to hang out. I had already texted her the room number. I couldn’t wait for them to show up to see the disaster that was the headboard. The wood slats that it was mounted to that were also mounted to the wall were broken. The headboard was sort of just leaning on the frame of the bed. The wall looked mangled.

They got there and we had about a good 10 minute laugh about the whole thing. Then, dearest got up to go to the bathroom. We heard him flush and scream “WHHHHHHOAAAAA”. When he came out, the three of us were just laughing because really, what could deserve that sort of reaction in the bathroom? Well, he explained to us that the flusher handle had a mind of its own. When you press it, it flies back up towards you quickly and if you’re not expecting it, it sort of freaks you out.

Jess and I weren’t buying it so we had to test it out on our own. She reached for the handle, pushed and nothing really happened other than the normal flushing. We gave Dearest a hard time for a second or two longer. Then, a while later My Husband had to go. In True My Husband Fashion, he didn’t shut the door. When he flushed, he shouted “Ohmygawwwd!” The flusher got him. Again, Jessica and I had to figure out the mystery of the toilet. We go in there again. Her hand on the flusher, she gives it a push and KA-CHINK!!! It popped back up, loud and fierce! Finally, her and I were able to witness what was giving the guys such a hard time.

A few hours later, Jessica and Dearest left. My Husband and I crawled into bed to catch a few hours of sleep. Saturday was going to be a long one for both of us…

Fine Print:
I took pictures of the headboard, but guess who forgot her camera at home today? Sue me! It’s Monday!

Not discussed:
The awesome TV in our room, the hole in the wall that was coincidentally the same shape as the butt of a gun, the broken recliner that Dearest sat in and the broken desk chair that My Husband sat in. Seriously, y’all, this room wasn’t that bad!

The House That Built Me

2010-08-13T11:49:00.001-05:00

At the end of July my sister, McKenna packed up and headed west to New Mexico. My sister and I were both born and raised there. We moved to Austin in the mid 90’s because of my dad’s job. Back then, in 1994, it was traumatic for me. We moved right in the middle of my freshman year. I left all of my friends. The kids I grew up with since elementary school. Now, looking back, I know that it was the best thing my parents could have ever done for my sister and I.

While we were there, we went by the house we grew up in. It was disgusting. It was horrific. It was nothing like it was when we were kids.

In the early 80’s my parents bought their first house, 2615 for just a hair more than $30,000. When that note was paid off, my dad designed and built an addition to the back of the house. The addition was the size of the original house, so after a few months of construction, our house doubled in size. We had the biggest house on the block with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Everything was always kept nice. The yard always looked green and well manicured, the paint on the exterior was always kept up and our families handprints lined the sidewalk in the concrete. It was, in general, a great house.

I have no idea who lives there now, but the yard is dirt and weeds. The grass is gone. The exterior paint hasn’t changed in the 16 years we’ve been gone so it looks bad. The shingles were falling off the roof, the tree I climbed as a child to escape from my little sister appeared to be dead and there was graffiti on the fence that enclosed the backyard.

Once excited to drive over and take pictures for this blog, my mind changed after seeing it in the condition it was in. Not because I was embarrassed of how it looked so run down, but because this is the house that built me and I don’t want awful pictures to remind me of how someone doesn’t love it and appreciate it as much as my family did.

The entire drive back to my grandparents house, my sister and I talked about how things used to be. How our street seemed endless and driving down it to get to our old house that day made us realize that it was only a few blocks long. We talked about how upset our parents would be to see everything the way it was. All of my dad’s hard work was basically shit on by the current owner. In the grand scheme of things, none of it matters because what we have now, because of leaving that home is much better.

When we got back to my grandparents, I was still itching to take pictures, so I decided to walk around their house and take some. I never really looked at them a whole lot, but when I uploaded them to my computer, I realized that I have so many great memories of this home too! As a child, I spent a lot of time at this house. I went to kindergarten at the elementary school that is walking distance from this house, so I was here every single day. After moving to a school closer to our house for 1st grade on up, I still spent every weekend here.

I have no idea what year 1701 was built, but I know that my grandfather built it with his own two hands. This is where my mom and her brother and sisters grew up.

I remember finally getting tall enough to ring this doorbell. It hasn’t changed since the house was built. The style and architecture of this house doesn’t date it and it surely doesn’t look 50+ years old, but this doorbell? This doorbell dates it!

I know this bench isn’t 50 years old, but I can promise you it’s at least 30. I remember sitting on this bench while my grandma watered the flowers and plants in the front yard.

I used to walk on these bricks that surrounded the front yard. Every time I would, my grandma would yell at me and tell me I was going to kill myself. Turns out she was wrong. I did it again on this trip just for old times sake and McKenna did too!

My grandpa made me a tree swing that hung from that first tree. It was nothing more than a rectangular piece of plywood and some rope. The corner of the yard on the far left, there used to be a honeysuckle bush back that and I would hide in it and eat the honeysuckles. Those metal trashcans on the right have been around as long as I have.

Maybe this is the house that built me?

Because I Have To Agree

2010-08-12T08:38:00.001-05:00

So, I know it’s been over a week since I’ve posted and for that I truly apologize. I’ve been back from vacation for almost two weeks now and I’m just now getting back into the swing of things. I’ve got tons of pictures and tons to write about, but for right now, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite pictures from our vacation.

This is totally a raw photo that I took. I call it “End of the Tracks”. I loved it so much, but then Stefanie complimented me when I posted it on facebook and reminded me that if you knew everything about photography, you would never get that feeling of total excitement when you snapped the most amazing shot! Thanks, Stef!

Also, you need to head on over to Jessica’s place and check out what she wrote for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop! I’m not trying to brag or anything, y’all, but seriously? That kid? Those eyes? Yeah, I made that! That’s the best superhuman power in the world…until she starts acting like a typical almost-4-year-old. Then I want to take her cute little fingers and jab my own damn eyeballs out.

Someone Hold My Michael Kors Bag

2010-08-04T15:14:00.001-05:00

…It’s about to go down in here.

When I was younger, my aunt used to pay me to watch her two boys during the summer while she went to school and her lame-o husband worked. For hours a day I would watch the boys play Street Fighter II. Finally, at some point I picked up the controller and started playing with them. I ended up developing some MAD STREET FIGHTER II SKILLZ and learned how to kick their asses. Mind you, I was 13 so that made the oldest boy 9 and the youngest 5. Anyhow, who cares how much younger than me they were. I would beat the living shit out of them on that game, and as a pay back they would attempt to drive me crazy with their typical boy antics. I never broke. I just continued to sharpen my skillz on the Super Nintendo.

That’s not what this post is about.

This post is about some people in this Blogosphere that are driving me bat-shit crazy.

First, we have the liar and the thief. This person is both on so many levels. Maybe liar is a little harsh. We’ll call this person a truth-stretcher. Now, before I go any further, have I exaggerated accurate details on this blog for comedic effect? You bet your sweet ass. Have I exaggerated sad things on this blog for drama? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT. That’s not how I roll. That’s why I take back the “liar” and replace it with truth-stretcher. It’s in the way of like “I’m going to shove down your throat that I’m WAY more mature than people my age”, but then when it all comes down to it, I’m actually a lot like other people my age. That kind of truth-stretch.

I also refer to this person as a thief because this person is stealing things from your blog. This person is sneaking into your blog, stealing things and using them to profit from. Now, I don’t know about you, but stealing anything is wrong (unless it’s a kiss from your lover or child). This person might as well walk into Target, steal some stuff and run home to put it on eBay. See, these things that are being taken are things you pay for. This person isn’t stealing free stuff. This person isn’t sneaking into a Freebirds Burrito and wiping the Austin Chronicle rack clear of the free news papers.

I think I’ve made my point. There is one person and one being who know the truth. This person and God.

Secondly, we have a blogger who keeps the saddest blog I’ve ever read. It kills me to see her trash people I love. It kills me that mutual blog followers cheer her on like she’s a good person. They’re raising the roof and giving her daps like she’s a writing genius. She may be good with words, but her content is just pitiful and sad. I’ve never asked or wanted people to pick one blog over the other, and I never will. I just don’t understand what the allure is. Do people really think she’s funny? Do people not see the evil side as clearly as I (and many others) do? Do I go by frequently? Of course I do. I love a good train wreck (metaphorically, not literally). Reading her blog makes me realize that my life really is that fucking awesome. Reading her blog makes me feel like every where I turn there’s a DRATW because her blog is SO DAMNED NEGATIVE. Besides, who doesn’t like to have a “this bitch can NOT be serious” kind of moment every once in a while?

Bless her heart…

For both of these people, and anyone else in the world who is an asshole, The Karma Man is watching. What goes around, comes around. Until The Karma Man presents himself, I want to bust out my Street Fighter II moves.

Happy Birthday, BIFFSTUB!

2010-07-27T23:00:00.001-05:00

*Apologies for such a short post, y'all! I'm living it up in New Mexico with my family. And gorgeous weather. And red and green chile.

For those of you who don't know, today is Supah's birthday! She's like, 23 today! You know how the wolf pack rolls when it comes to birthdays, so be sure to check out MIITB, Chief and Princess for some more birthday fun!

In honor of Supah's birthday and in memory of our Messin' With Texas Trip this past spring, I present to you:

Supah on a Segway...Messin' With Texas...

Happy birthday, Supah! I hope you have the best day in the history of ever! I love you tons!

Jenn B + Supah - BIFFSTUBS for life!

Saturday: The Missed Call

2010-07-22T14:45:00.001-05:00

In the middle of my very first Board Meeting with AFED, my cell phone rang. I quickly snagged it from my purse and silenced the call. I noticed that it was Jessica, but I thought nothing of it, other than “hmmm, I wonder what she’s callin’ to tell me”. I mean, it’s no secret that Jessica and I love each other very much. So much that we talk on the phone at least 3 times a day during the week and probably once or twice on the weekends. We exchange texts that normally end in ridiculous hashtags, just because we come up with some funny shit!

As soon as the meeting was finished, I hopped in my car and headed home. Before getting to the first traffic light, I grabbed my phone and called Jess back. The beginning of our call was nothing out of the ordinary, really. Her voice sounded the same as it typically does, only I noticed that there was a bit of hesitation. Maybe hesitation is the wrong word. It was like she had something she wanted to blurt out, but was just sitting on it, trying to figure out how to tell me.

I think I finally came out and said “what’s up? What’s going on?” I didn’t say it in my Jenn B Worried voice, it was normal, but the words that came through my phone after that were anything but normal.

She gave me the short version of what was going on, probably because she knew if she started at the beginning I would have lost my shit. “Dearest’s parents went to the coast this weekend with his aunt and uncle. They were in an accident.” Obviously my response was “OH MY GOD, is everyone okay”? To which she responded “well, yes and no. They’re alive”.

Immediately my heart sank to my toes. I wanted to ask more questions, but I wasn’t sure if she was A) physically in a place she could talk and B) by the time I called her back, two hours had passed since her initial call to me. If someone was in an accident, she’s probably been on the phone for the entire two hours and I don’t want to exhaust her more. A few seconds passed and she started telling me what happened. Sort of. There were a ton of details, some she knew and some that were still a mystery when we spoke.

My initial reaction when she told me the "end result” was “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME”. Yes, I shouted that. Into her ear. In my car. I was immediately so pissed off. Not at any one noun in particular. Next, I was sad. Sad that bad shit happens to good people all the time and when is God going to set things up to where only assholes and bastards get shit on? Then, I was raging mad. I mean, does God not know what this week is? Does he not remember taking Jess’ dad from this earth to be with him well before his children were ready for him to go? Don’t give me (or Jessica) the “God only gives you what you can handle” line. Ever. I’m pretty sure that if either one of us hears those words uttered, we’ll be adding some bitches to our “Slap-a-hoe” tribe.

I believe my cousin, quite possibly the sweetest one I have, has been given a whole lot of shit to deal with in the last 364 days and frankly, I think it’s horse shit, and don’t you think for one split second that I haven’t given God the What-For about it all. I pray. A lot. More than any of you would think by reading this foul mouthed blog. Aside from praying, I’m also human, so I have emotion and some of the time it’s not all gum drops and rainbows. Sometimes I’m spit-fire mad about shit and God is the only one who will listen. Sometimes, I’m so mad at him, I want to believe that there’s no such being.

With all of that mean stuff said, I also thank God every day and all of you should too!

Jessica and I are Forever Friends by choice and Cousins by The Grace of God!

Saturday: The Meeting

2010-07-20T10:51:00.001-05:00

The meeting was at 4:00PM, just up the road from my house. I was so excited about this meeting. If y’all remember, last year I got involved with AFED because of Kelsey and my ties to her family. Well, about a month ago, the Vice President of AFED contacted Cheryl and I both and asked if we would be interested in holding a position on the Board of Directors. It only took me a second to compose an email back to her saying that I was all in.

At the beginning of the meeting there had to be some housekeeping done. Past Board Members resigned, so then we had to go through the nomination process and voting process. Once that was taken care of we had to sign some paperwork. As I was signing some documents, my cell phone rang. I had to silence it because well, I was in a meeting.

After the formalities were taken care of and behind us, the three Board Members discussed plans for next years Art Auction. We made motions, seconded them and then voted unanimously that “You Are Beautiful Too” would be tentatively scheduled for February 19, 2011. We’re going to start planning next years fundraiser now and it should be much easier than last year for the sheer fact that we know what we liked and didn’t like about last years process.

We know exactly what needs to be done and how long each step takes us. I’m going to go ahead and put a call out now to any of my readers who are artists in any form or fashion: If you would like to donate anything to the Art Auction, please contact me via email [jennbsays{at}live{dot}com] as soon as possible. Please reference the Art Auction in the subject line :). It’s never too early to start collecting items, in fact, it’s easier to do it earlier rather than later. Last year I had a few readers that sent items from all over the country and those items were sold to the highest bidder! I am truly appreciative for any and all donations sent our way!

AFED is a great charitable organization to work with, and if you’re interested in learning more about them, feel free to click on the link! Also, as always, if you or someone you know is suffering from any type of eating disorder, please reach out for help. It’s never too late. Ever.

The statistics surrounding Eating Disorders are astonishing. By clicking this link, you can learn more about Kelsey, Eating Disorders and how you can help!

…As I drove away from the meeting, I had to make a return call to the person that called during the meeting…

Saturday: Cindy The Asshole

2010-07-19T12:39:00.001-05:00

So, this past Saturday I was hit with nearly every single emotion in the book. I’m going to make this post a 3 part series (I know you’re jumping up and down right now).

I spent the night at my parents house Friday night so that I could help my mom move all of her nick-knacks from one room to another because her and my dad are painting the entire inside of the house. We moved furniture and tiny objects to and fro. I ended up going to sleep at a decent hour, but waking up at 5:30 in the morning sucked real bad.

I didn’t have an alarm set, but on a normal week day, my alarm goes off at 5:15 and I press snooze until the last possible minute. Saturday though? Ugh. I woke up at 5:30 on the nose. Wide awake. I can’t even wake up that well when I have to, but Saturday I was up and at ‘em before anyone else in the house. I was frustrated to say the least.

After everyone woke up, I started to cook breakfast while mom and dad did stuff to get ready to paint. McKenna ran around like a banshee, which is nothing out of the sorts. After breakfast I took a shower and my sister, McKenna, my mom and I headed out to do a little shopping. See, all of us, minus my mom are flying to New Mexico this Sunday, so I wanted to pick up some summer tops for myself and some clothes for McKenna that don’t look like she wrAstled a Spaghetti Monster or Paint Brush Ninja.

After a few hours of shopping, we headed over to Fudruckers. Do you know what that is? If you don’t, it’s like one step up from a fast food burger. Dine in, but nothing fancy. When we walked in, there was a woman at the cashier stand in front of us. She had this look on her face, like she was ready to blow at any second. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and I could hear her sighing from 10 feet away.

I placed my order and went to the table to sit down. The little blinky-vibratey thing went off so I went to the counter to get my food with my friend Erica. At Fudruckers, you order your burger, but it comes plain and everything is to the side, like a buffet. We grabbed our burgers and went to the condiments station. When I walked up, that disgruntled lady was standing there yelling at one of the employees. “I’ve told you TWICE that there is no honey mustard. You’ve already messed up my entire order”. The employee looked at her and said “I’m sorry about that. Sometimes those dispensers get an air bubble. Let me see if I can get some for you”.

He pumped some of her precious honey mustard into one of those little paper cups and handed it to her. She looked at the paper cup in complete disgust. She then looked at the employee again and snarled when she said “this is ridiculous. You’ve screwed everything up”. At this point, I looked at the employee and said, in a normal tone of voice “I think she’s been in a bad mood since she walked in. Don’t take it personal”. I continued to pump my ketchup when suddenly I hear “EXCUSE ME”!!!! I noticed that the lady heard what I said, which was fine. I wasn’t whispering when I said it. She walked to the other side of me and blocked the melted cheese station. I looked up at her and smiled nicely and said “oh, excuse me”.

(via)

The lady continued to give me the stink eye before she decides to try to give me the what-for. “I don’t think any of this is your business. You should keep your nose where it belongs”. I looked at her and took a breathe. “Well, if you weren’t being so rude, so LOUD, I wouldn’t have to say anything. If you’re talking rudely to people loud enough for everyone to hear, anyone can say what they want. You know what? It’s a beautiful day out there. Maybe you should try to smile”.

I was fully aware that my nicey-nice approach was pissing this lady off more, but at this point, I didn’t give a shit. She looked down at me and said “I KNOW IT’S A GOOD DAY. It’s my daughter’s birthday”. "Good then! Go sit with your family and enjoy the day with your daughter”.

I tried to walk away, but she got closer and closer until finally my friend Erica basically pulled me away. My last words to her when I was walking off were “have a blessed day”! I’m sure that ate her shit.

We got back to the table and I realized two things: 1) Her family was sitting at the table right next to us and 2) I was so busy telling this lady to have a nice day that I didn’t get any vegetables for my burger, so back I went.

When I came around the corner the lady was still standing there. This time she had a friend with her and she was (again) loudly telling her friend about some “little bitch” that thought it was her business… I looked her friend square in the eye and said “yes, I’m the mean girl” and waved my hands near my face. I guess at some point during our first conversation I explained to the lady that the people at this restaurant don’t make that much money and it sure as hell isn’t enough to be dealing with a wench like her, so when I approached her and her friend, they both sort of get in my face. “She told me that they don’t make a lot of money to work here, so it’s okay for them to screw everything up”. Her friend pipes up and says “so because they’re low paid employees, it’s okay for them to have poor service”? “NO. This is a burger joint. They didn’t ruin an order intentionally did they? Did they mess it up on purpose? Were they rude to you”?

At this point the lady’s husband walked up and starts laying in on his wife. “CINDY! YOU NEED TO CUT IT OUT. Seriously, Cindy, this is ridiculous. You’re being immature and out of control, Cindy"! I looked at him and half smiled. Then, I looked at Cindy and said “YEAH, CINDY. YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FOOL. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST STOP. YOU’RE EMBARASSING YOUR FAMILY ON YOUR DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY, CINDY. JUST STOP, CINDY” and I walked off.

I honestly wasn’t trying to start anything. I just get so upset when people treat restaurant employees like shit. It’s one thing if you go to Ruth’s Chris and your steak comes out well done if you ordered it rare, but she was out to get every person there. Not to mention the fact that this restaurant cooks your burger and gives you meat on the bun. You do the rest on your own, so I find it really amazing that everything was so screwed up.

I got back to my seat and my sister, mom and Erica were discussing what just happened. Cindy walked up to her table, grabbed her plate, went to the food pick up counter and got a to-go box. She put her food in the box and walked out the door, leaving her family at the table to celebrate her daughter’s birthday without her. The little girl was maybe 9 years old. A few minutes later Cindy walks back in, probably because she realized that her husband had the car keys. She sits down and her daughter is sobbing. She doesn’t say a word to her daughter, but the husband mouthed “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’m sorry” about a dozen times.

I hope Cindy was happy. She ruined her own daughter’s birthday just because of honey mustard. Or was it that her burger was cooked wrong? Normally, I would feel bad, thinking that I caused this whole thing, but the reality of it is that Cindy had a chip on her shoulders, probably since she woke up that morning, if not long before that. Some people enjoy being miserable and those types of people enjoy bringing everyone around them down. I don’t play that.

After lunch and a ton of shopping, it was time to get ready for my meeting…

Whorebag Slutfaces

2010-07-14T12:12:00.001-05:00

I’ve talked about my Heffas here before and if you’ve missed it, I’m sure you can find a tag for them over there on the sidebar!

Here’s the backstory and a refresher:

Back in 2007 I was sent an email from a friend who had also recently had a baby. It said something about joining a website for moms where you could get advice and share stories about your child and so on.

I joined and about a month or so in, my Forever Friend, Kim sent me an invite to join a group called The Patio. Ohhhhhh, The Patio. The Patio was a place for letting it all out. Brandi started The Patio (for reasons I don’t even care about at this point) and I’m not sure she knew what kind of monster she was creating.

The Patio was kept small, but open to anyone, then it was locked down and by invitation only, then we had to weed out the weak and the assholes until eventually a small group of less than 40 of the “Original” members formed a sub-group. The sub-group consisted of all the girls who had been with The Patio since day one (roughly). I guess that part is neither here nor there, but whatever. It’s my blog and I want to mention my OG’s. Sue me.

Okay, so after the smaller group was formed, we decided that we needed to have some sort of meet-up. Brandi lived in Dallas at the time (along with several other Patio Mama’s) so we had planned on going to Dallas for Labor Day Weekend in 2007 (OMG, has it been that long?). Well, it turns out that more than a dozen of us Whorebag Slutfaces made the trip to The Big D. If I told you we had the best time ever, it would be a total understatement. I’m fairly certain that when we all crashed her pad (yes, we ALL stayed at her house. With her wonderful husband. And their children.), her husband was quite possibly frightened for his life. Okay, not that bad, but he was pretty entertained, I’ll tell you that much! I’m pretty sure that I’m Eddie’s all time favorite!

Anywhorebag, every year a group of the girls get together and go to Vegas. I’ve wanted to go every year, but truth be told: I’m afraid to go to Vegas without My Husband because I’ll come back poorPooorPOOOR. Well, this year’s trip was last weekend. I’ve done nothing but look at pictures posted on Brandi’s Blog and on everyone’s facebook. Doing that makes me jeallllous!

Well, after reading Brandi’s most recent post (if you want to hear how it all went down, start here!) I decided that I had enough!

Look! It’s Tina, Brandi and I at the pool at The Flamingo! Yay!
(Kira, if you’re reading this…so sorry)